Unit 43
Handling Jealousy
Needless to say, the best protection against jealousy is a good relationship, i.e. prevention is better than a cure. If the love can be kept alive and exciting, that is much more effective than trying to rescue a threatened love. Once jealousy has occurred, however, what works best?
Tough it out -- controlling one's emotions and becoming even more committed to the loved one.
Selective ignoring -- telling oneself that the desired object (the lover or some achievement) was just not that important.
An openly honest "I feel..." response. For example: you see your partner flirting with a very attractive person at a party. Rather than attacking the partner, what if later you said:" As I watched you with him/her, I immediately felt anxious. There were butterflies in my stomach and I started to imagine that you might try to see him/her later and get all emotionally involved. The idea of your touching him/her really upset me. I'm scared you will leave me." Such an frank, unattacking response, which discloses the true feelings behind the jealousy, should make it easy for the flirting partner to respond sympathetically and honestly to the heart of the matter, namely the jealous person's hurt and fears. This honesty is usually the best way to handle jealousy.
What is the best protection against being devastated by an actual break-up or the possibility of a break-up? Self-esteem and a belief that your future will work out okay. But esteem has to be developed before the break up, not afterwards. Some simple techniques may be useful in reducing jealousy: stay active, involving yourself with friends, fun, hobbies, work and self-improvement; thought stopping, reducing the jealousy arousing fantasies; desensitization can reduce the emotional response of jealousy just as if it were a fear; venting will relieve the hurt and angry feelings; seek support from friends and tell them how you feel. Also, you must develop your understanding that jealousy is probably unavoidable to some degree, that you are responsible for your feelings, that some partners are so self-centered they can not be faithful, that no love comes with a life-time guarantee, that there may be very good reasons for your former lover to be interested in someone else, etc. Most of us who have been deeply hurt by a rejection know, however, that little can be done about the pain during the first several days or weeks. You can try keep busy and "keep your mind off of it," but in the main you just have to tough it out.
Romantic love is selfish. Perhaps the best you can hope for is to learn from this relationship and select a better partner and be a better partner next time. If you break up, the most important thing to remember is:"I am a valuable, lovable person regardless of whether you love me or not. It hurts but I can handle it. I'll get on with my life." For me, the best way to get over a lost love (after a month or so) is to begin carefully looking for a better relationship. |