Unit 45
Friendship in China and the West
-- Chinese expect friendships to be more lasting.
For Chinese a true friendship endures throughout life changes. Chinese are friends even if they haven't spoken for 20 years. If you shared something at one time, then all your life you are friends. This is the best of Guanxi, the Wide Web that connects Chinese through time and space. Chinese invented the Internet long before Bill Gates was born.
In North America, even the relationship in which people feel close and tell each other personal problems may not survive life changes such as moving to another city, graduation from a university, a change in economic circumstances, or marriage. If the people do not see each other regularly, the relationship is likely to die.
-- Different foundations for friendships
Chinese friends share "things in common": a task, a class, the hometown. Friendships are formed by people who work or go to school together. You may or may not like the person, but if he or she can do something for you because of his position or job, you can be friends.
But in North America, business and friendship are kept separate. The friendships are usually tied to specific activities. A person may have work friends and leisure activity friends. Also friends tend to have similar financial circumstances, because friendship in the west is based on equality. Friends should exchange similar activities and give similar things to each other. If one can afford to treat the other to a meal at an expensive restaurant and the other does not have enough money to do the same, it will cause problems in the relationship.
-- Westerns expect friends to be independent.
Western people prefer people to be independent, so they do not feel comfortable in a relationship in which one person is giving more and the other is dependent on what is giving. Their friendship is mostly a matter of providing emotional support and spending time together. A westerner will respond to a friend's trouble by asking "What do you want to do?" The idea is to help the friend to think out the problem and discover the solution he or she really wants and then to support the solution.
Chinese friends give each other more concrete help. A Chinese will use personal connections to help a friend get something hard to obtain such as a job, or an appointment with a good doctor. Chinese friends give each other money and might help each other out financially over a long time.
-- Chinese usually expect more from their friends.
In the West, you can certainly ask friend to do something with you, but you recognize that your friend may say no, if he/she gives you a reason. You would not expect a friend to drop everything to respond to a non-urgent need such as shopping. Nor would you expect a friend to recognize and respond to your wishes without stating them.
A friend in China is someone who offers help without waiting to be asked. There are few limits to what you can expect from a friend. You can feel free to tell your friend what he/she can or should do to help or please you. |