漫漫长路 1-Track02（在线收听）

MAUREEN

On New Year's Eve the nursing home sent their ambulance round for him came around six, and these two young fellas wheeled him out. I couldn't cry, because then the fellas would know something was wrong; as far as they knew, I was coming to fetch him at eleven the next morning. I just kissed him on the top of his head and told him to be good, and I held it all in until I'd seen them leave. Then I wept for about an hour. He'd ruined my life, but he was still my son, and I was never going to see him again. I'd never been to Toppers' House before. I didn't even know for sure that you could get on to the roof any more, but the door was open, and I just walked up the stairs until I couldn't walk any further. They'd put this wire up, way up

high, and there were curved railings with spikes on the top… I began to panic. I'm not tall, and I'm not very strong, I couldn't see how I was going to get over the top of it all, and it had to be that night, because of Matty being in the home.And then I saw Martin, he'd done things properly: he'd brought a little stepladder, and some wire-cutters, and he'd managed to climb over the top.He was just sitting on the ledge, dangling his feet, smoking, thinking, I waited and waited until in the end I couldn't wait any more. I went up to him and put my hand through the wire and tapped him on the shoulder. I only wanted to ask him if he was going to be long.

JESS

I'd forgotten about the whole Toppers' House thing until I started speaking to this guy. He gave me a fag, and he told me his name was Bong, Because he always smoked his weed out of a bong.Bone looked at me and he went, You're not thinking of going up on the roof, are you?Because I can see the pain and desperation in your eyes. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure that what he could see in my eyes were seven Bacardi Breezers and two cans of Special Brew. I just went, Oh, really? And he

went, Yeah, see, I've been put on suicide watch, to look out for people who've only come here because they want to go upstairs. And I was like, What happens upstairs? And he laughed, This is Toppers' House, man. This is where people kill themselves.

And I would never have thought of it if he hadn't said that. Everything suddenly made sense. I wanted Chas, and he didn't want me, and I suddenly realized that easily the best thing to do was make my life as short as I possibly could. it was so neat: I wanted to make my life short, and I was at a party in Toppers' House.It was like a message from God. OK, it was disappointing that all God had to say to me was, like, Jump off a roof. What else was he supposed to tell me?I could feel the weight of everything then gone wrong. Jumping felt like the only way to get rid of it, I felt so heavy that I knew I'd hit the street in no time. I'd beat the world record for falling off a tower-block.

MARTIN

I felt this thump on my back, and I turned round and grabbed the railings behind me, and I started yelling. I was drunk and I'd had a skinful before I came out, as well. So I probably did let rip with a bit of vocabulary. I think I might even have used the cword,

for which I've apologized. She just stared.'I know you,' she said.

People come up to me in restaurants and shops and theatres and garages and urinals all over Britain and say, 'I know you,' and they invariably mean precisely the opposite; they mean, 'I don't know you. But I've seen you on the telly.' And they want an autograph, or a chat about what Penny Chambers is like in real life. But that night, it all seemed a bit beside the point, that side of life. 'Oh, for Christ's sake. Have you got a pen? Or a bit of paper? And before you ask, she's a right bitch who will snort anything and fuck anybody. What are you doing up here anyway?' I wanted to borrow your ladder.''Be my guest.'

'I'll wait until… Well, I'll wait.''Be my guest.'

'No. Of course not. You'll be wanting to do it on your own,'I'll go over there.'

Maureen went to the other side of the roof, and I turned around and lowered myself back

on to the ledge. But The moment had gone. Before

Maureen arrived I'd been in the zone; I was entirely focused on all the reasons I was

up there.But the conversation with her had distracted me, pulled me back out.I hadn't changed my mind,I still knew that I'd have to do it some time. It's just that I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it in the next five minutes.I shouted at Maureen.

'Oi! Do you want to swap places? See how you get on?'

Maureen approached the breach in the wire fence cautiously.

You've got twenty minutes. Then I want my spot back.'

'How are you going to get back over this side?'

I hadn't thought of that.

The stepladder really only worked one way: there wasn't enough room on my side of the railings to open it out.

you'll have to put up with me being here.'I wasn't sure that I wanted to climb over to the other side anyway. The

railings marked out a boundary now: you could get to the stairs from the

roof, and the street from the stairs, and from the street you could get to

Cindy, and the kids, and Danielle, and her dad, and everything else that had

blown me up here as if I were a crisp packet in a gale.

'Why can't you shuffle round to the other side of the roof?'

'Why can't you? It's my ladder.'

'You're not much of a gentleman.'

'No, That's one of the reasons I'm up here, in fact. Don't you read the papers?'

'I look at the local one sometimes.'

what do you know about me?'

'You used to be on the TV.'

'That's it?'

'Yes.'

'So why do you think I want to kill myself?'

'I've no idea.'

'You're pissing me around.'

I'm not. and Would you mind watching your language? I find it offensive.'

sorry.I couldn't believe it.I'd found someone who didn't know.It seemed impossible that there was anyone in Britain uninterested in what I had done,

'What about your belt?' She nodded at my waist. put it round the ladder. Buckle it your side of the railings.'I saw what she meant, and saw that it would work,she passed the ladder over the fence, and I took my belt off, passed it around both

ladder and railings, and buckled it up, I climbed back over, unbuckled the belt.And I was just about to let Maureen jump in peace when this fucking lunatic came roaring at us.