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Chapter 10 - Pierre’s diary
Pierre went on with his diary, and this is what he wrote in it during that time:
24th November
Got up at eight, read the Scriptures1, then went to my duties. [By Joseph Alexeevich’s advice Pierre had entered the service of the state and served on one of the committees.] Returned home for dinner and dined alone — the countess had many visitors I do not like. I ate and drank moderately and after dinner copied out some passages for the Brothers. In the evening I went down to the countess and told a funny story about B., and only remembered that I ought not to have done so when everybody laughed loudly at it.
I am going to bed with a happy and tranquil2 mind. Great God, help me to walk in Thy paths, (1) to conquer anger by calmness and deliberation, (2) to vanquish3 lust4 by self-restraint and repulsion, (3) to withdraw from worldliness, but not avoid (a) the service of the state, (b) family duties, (c) relations with my friends, and the management of my affairs.
27th November
I got up late. On waking I lay long in bed yielding to sloth5. O God, help and strengthen me that I may walk in Thy ways! Read the Scriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came and we talked about worldly vanities. He told me of the Emperor’s new projects. I began to criticize them, but remembered my rules and my benefactor6’s words — that a true Freemason should be a zealous7 worker for the state when his aid is required and a quiet onlooker8 when not called on to assist. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G. V. and O. visited me and we had a preliminary talk about the reception of a new Brother. They laid on me the duty of Rhetor. I feel myself weak and unworthy. Then our talk turned to the interpretation9 of the seven pillars and steps of the Temple, the seven sciences, the seven virtues11, the seven vices12, and the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Brother O. was very eloquent13. In the evening the admission took place. The new decoration of the Premises14 contributed much to the magnificence of the spectacle. It was Boris Drubetskoy who was admitted. I nominated him and was the Rhetor. A strange feeling agitated15 me all the time I was alone with him in the dark chamber16. I caught myself harboring a feeling of hatred17 toward him which I vainly tried to overcome. That is why I should really like to save him from evil and lead him into the path of truth, but evil thoughts of him did not leave me. It seemed to me that his object in entering the Brotherhood18 was merely to be intimate and in favor with members of our lodge19. Apart from the fact that he had asked me several times whether N. and S. were members of our lodge (a question to which I could not reply) and that according to my observation he is incapable20 of feeling respect for our holy order and is too preoccupied21 and satisfied with the outer man to desire spiritual improvement, I had no cause to doubt him, but he seemed to me insincere, and all the time I stood alone with him in the dark temple it seemed to me that he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I wished really to stab his bare breast with the sword I held to it. I could not be eloquent, nor could I frankly22 mention my doubts to the Brothers and to the Grand Master. Great Architect of Nature, help me to find the true path out of the labyrinth23 of lies!
After this, three pages were left blank in the diary, and then the following was written:
I have had a long and instructive talk alone with Brother V., who advised me to hold fast by brother A. Though I am unworthy, much was revealed to me. Adonai is the name of the creator of the world. Elohim is the name of the ruler of all. The third name is the name unutterable which means the All. Talks with Brother V. strengthen, refresh, and support me in the path of virtue10. In his presence doubt has no place. The distinction between the poor teachings of mundane24 science and our sacred all-embracing teaching is clear to me. Human sciences dissect25 everything to comprehend it, and kill everything to examine it. In the holy science of our order all is one, all is known in its entirety and life. The Trinity — the three elements of matter — are sulphur, mercury, and salt. Sulphur is of an oily and fiery26 nature; in combination with salt by its fiery nature it arouses a desire in the latter by means of which it attracts mercury, seizes it, holds it, and in combination produces other bodies. Mercury is a fluid, volatile27, spiritual essence. Christ, the Holy Spirit, Him! . . .
3rd December
Awoke late, read the Scriptures but was apathetic28. Afterwards went and paced up and down the large hall. I wished to meditate29, but instead my imagination pictured an occurrence of four years ago, when Dolokhov, meeting me in Moscow after our duel30, said he hoped I was enjoying perfect peace of mind in spite of my wife’s absence. At the time I gave him no answer. Now I recalled every detail of that meeting and in my mind gave him the most malevolent31 and bitter replies. I recollected32 myself and drove away that thought only when I found myself glowing with anger, but I did not sufficiently33 repent34. Afterwards Boris Drubetskoy came and began relating various adventures. His coming vexed35 me from the first, and I said something disagreeable to him. He replied. I flared36 up and said much that was unpleasant and even rude to him. He became silent, and I recollected myself only when it was too late. My God, I cannot get on with him at all. The cause of this is my egotism. I set myself above him and so become much worse than he, for he is lenient37 to my rudeness while I on the contrary nourish contempt for him. O God, grant that in his presence I may rather see my own vileness38, and behave so that he too may benefit. After dinner I fell asleep and as I was drowsing off I clearly heard a voice saying in my left ear, “Thy day!”
I dreamed that I was walking in the dark and was suddenly surrounded by dogs, but I went on undismayed. Suddenly a smallish dog seized my left thigh39 with its teeth and would not let go. I began to throttle40 it with my hands. Scarcely had I torn it off before another, a bigger one, began biting me. I lifted it up, but the higher I lifted it the bigger and heavier it grew. And suddenly Brother A. came and, taking my arm, led me to a building to enter which we had to pass along a narrow plank41. I stepped on it, but it bent42 and gave way and I began to clamber up a fence which I could scarcely reach with my hands. After much effort I dragged myself up, so that my leg hung down on one side and my body on the other. I looked round and saw Brother A. standing43 on the fence and pointing me to a broad avenue and garden, and in the garden was a large and beautiful building. I woke up. O Lord, great Architect of Nature, help me to tear from myself these dogs — my passions especially the last, which unites in itself the strength of all the former ones, and aid me to enter that temple of virtue to a vision of which I attained44 in my dream.
7th December
I dreamed that Joseph Alexeevich was sitting in my house, and that I was very glad and wished to entertain him. It seemed as if I chattered45 incessantly46 with other people and suddenly remembered that this could not please him, and I wished to come close to him and embrace him. But as soon as I drew near I saw that his face had changed and grown young, and he was quietly telling me something about the teaching of our order, but so softly that I could not hear it. Then it seemed that we all left the room and something strange happened. We were sitting or lying on the floor. He was telling me something, and I wished to show him my sensibility, and not listening to what he was saying I began picturing to myself the condition of my inner man and the grace of God sanctifying me. And tears came into my eyes, and I was glad he noticed this. But be looked at me with vexation and jumped up, breaking off his remarks. I felt abashed47 and asked whether what he had been saying did not concern me; but he did not reply, gave me a kind look, and then we suddenly found ourselves in my bedroom where there is a double bed. He lay down on the edge of it and I burned with longing48 to caress49 him and lie down too. And he said, “Tell me frankly what is your chief temptation? Do you know it? I think you know it already.” Abashed by this question, I replied that sloth was my chief temptation. He shook his head incredulously; and even more abashed, I said that though I was living with my wife as he advised, I was not living with her as her husband. To this he replied that one should not deprive a wife of one’s embraces and gave me to understand that that was my duty. But I replied that I should be ashamed to do it, and suddenly everything vanished. And I awoke and found in my mind the text from the Gospel: “The life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” Joseph Alexeevich’s face had looked young and bright. That day I received a letter from my benefactor in which he wrote about “conjugal duties.”
9th December
I had a dream from which I awoke with a throbbing50 heart. I saw that I was in Moscow in my house, in the big sitting room, and Joseph Alexeevich came in from the drawing room. I seemed to know at once that the process of regeneration had already taken place in him, and I rushed to meet him. I embraced him and kissed his hands, and he said, “Hast thou noticed that my face is different?” I looked at him, still holding him in my arms, and saw that his face was young, but that he had no hair on his head and his features were quite changed. And I said, “I should have known you had I met you by chance,” and I thought to myself, “Am I telling the truth?” And suddenly I saw him lying like a dead body; then he gradually recovered and went with me into my study carrying a large book of sheets of drawing paper; I said, “I drew that,” and he answered by bowing his head. I opened the book, and on all the pages there were excellent drawings. And in my dream I knew that these drawings represented the love adventures of the soul with its beloved. And on its pages I saw a beautiful representation of a maiden51 in transparent52 garments and with a transparent body, flying up to the clouds. And I seemed to know that this maiden was nothing else than a representation of the Song of Songs. And looking at those drawings I dreamed I felt that I was doing wrong, but could not tear myself away from them. Lord, help me! My God, if Thy forsaking53 me is Thy doing, Thy will be done; but if I am myself the cause, teach me what I should do! I shall perish of my debauchery if Thou utterly54 desertest me!
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1
scriptures
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| 经文，圣典( scripture的名词复数 )； 经典 | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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vanquish
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| v.征服，战胜；克服；抑制 | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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sloth
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| n.[动]树懒；懒惰，懒散 | |
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benefactor
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| n. 恩人，行善的人，捐助人 | |
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zealous
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| adj.狂热的，热心的 | |
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onlooker
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| n.旁观者，观众 | |
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interpretation
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| n.解释，说明，描述；艺术处理 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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premises
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| n.建筑物，房屋 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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brotherhood
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| n.兄弟般的关系，手中情谊 | |
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lodge
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| v.临时住宿，寄宿，寄存，容纳；n.传达室，小旅馆 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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preoccupied
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| adj.全神贯注的，入神的；被抢先占有的；心事重重的v.占据（某人）思想，使对…全神贯注，使专心于( preoccupy的过去式) | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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labyrinth
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| n.迷宫；难解的事物；迷路 | |
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mundane
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| adj.平凡的；尘世的；宇宙的 | |
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dissect
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| v.分割；解剖 | |
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fiery
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| adj.燃烧着的，火红的；暴躁的；激烈的 | |
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volatile
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| adj.反复无常的，挥发性的，稍纵即逝的，脾气火爆的；n.挥发性物质 | |
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apathetic
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| adj.冷漠的，无动于衷的 | |
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meditate
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| v.想，考虑，（尤指宗教上的）沉思，冥想 | |
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duel
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| n./v.决斗；(双方的)斗争 | |
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malevolent
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| adj.有恶意的，恶毒的 | |
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recollected
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| adj.冷静的；镇定的；被回忆起的；沉思默想的v.记起，想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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Flared
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| adj. 端部张开的, 爆发的, 加宽的, 漏斗式的 动词flare的过去式和过去分词 | |
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lenient
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| adj.宽大的，仁慈的 | |
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vileness
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| n.讨厌，卑劣 | |
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thigh
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| n.大腿；股骨 | |
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40
throttle
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| n.节流阀，节气阀，喉咙；v.扼喉咙，使窒息，压 | |
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41
plank
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| n.板条，木板，政策要点，政纲条目 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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44
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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45
chattered
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| （人）喋喋不休( chatter的过去式 )； 唠叨； （牙齿）打战； （机器）震颤 | |
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incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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abashed
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| adj.窘迫的，尴尬的v.使羞愧，使局促，使窘迫( abash的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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49
caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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50
throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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51
maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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52
transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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53
forsaking
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| 放弃( forsake的现在分词 )； 弃绝； 抛弃； 摒弃 | |
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54
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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