How To Heal A Friendship

Jessica and Joyce were best friends in ninth grade. They did almost everything together. Then one day, after a misunderstanding, Joyce stopped talking to Jessica. For more than three months, Joyce refused to talk to Jessica or answer her notes. “During that time, I found out what an important friend she was,” Jessica says. “I couldn't even concentrate when I was studying. I just thought about how to mend our friendship.”

    The next semester, Jessica tried again. This time, Joyce was willing to work it out. It took some time and effort, but the friendship was healed.

    Most of us have suffered the pain of broken friendships. But the good news is that most friendships can be mended.

    Oxford¹ professor Michael Argyle recently finished a 15-year study that explored what makes people happy. What did he find? The key to happiness is having one close relationship and a network of friends. Other studies show that our social connections make us healthier and more resilient to stress. Maintaining long-lasting, healthy friendships is worth the effort!

    If there's a broken friendship you'd like to mend, try the following advice.

    Give your friend the benefit of the doubt.

    It's easy to assume the worst. But if a friend has hurt you, he may not even realize he's done so.

    Matt, an American doctoral student, remembers two friendships broken by hurtful words. Both relationships were later healed.

    “It's probably true that if someone hurts you, ‘they should have known better, Matt says. “But the fact is we are all human and we mess things up. You need to give people the benefit of the doubt because you will need that, as well.”

    Take the initiative to communicate with your friend.

    If you've been hurt, your instinct is probably to pull away and protect yourself. But if you do this, the friendship will likely die.

    “You need to reach out,” says 20-year-old Jamie, who has restored several broken friendships. “Friendships get broken when trust is lost. Both friends need to reach out and demonstrate they are trustworthy.”

    Be the first to apologize.

    Even if you were hurt, apologize for anything you did wrong. Give up your right to be proven right. Otherwise the conflict won't be forgotten, as it should be.

    Walk through the conflict together.

    Start by trying to see things from your friend's point of view. Talk about the problems openly but kindly².

    At first, Jessica didn't understand why Joyce stopped talking to her. Then Joyce finally explained that Jessica's teasing bothered her. “I finally found out she was angry because I teased her in front of the boys in our class,” Jessica explained. Jessica meant nothing by her teasing and thought it shouldn't bother Joyce. But when she accepted that it was embarrassing to Joyce, she stopped. Then their friendship could heal.

    Nicole and Michelle had been best friends since preschool. But in college, Michelle suddenly pulled away. “We didn't talk to each other for a while, then tried to reconcile, ”Nicole says, “But we're just polite acquaintances now.”

    It's normal for friendships to change. Often two friends just drift apart. Problems come when one friend tries to hang on while the other friend lets go.

    If your friend isn't willing to work things out, accept it and move on. But if you are able to reconcile, you'll have a friendship that's tried-and-true!

    ［译文］

    重修旧好

    在九年级时，洁西卡和乔依丝是最好的朋友。不论做什么事，她们几乎都形影不离。后来有一天，因为一次误会，乔依丝开始不再和洁西卡说话。有3个多月之久，乔依丝拒绝和洁西卡说话或是回复她的纸条。“在那一段时间，我终于发现她是多么重要的一个朋友。”洁西卡说，“我甚至无法专心念书，我光想着如何修补我们之间的友谊。”

    在接下来的那个学期，洁西卡再次尝试。这一次，乔依丝愿意为此而努力。确实花了一些时间和精力，使这段友谊得以修复。

    我们大多因为破裂的友谊而受苦。但有个好消息，就是多数的友谊是可以被修复的。

    牛津大学教授麦可·阿尔盖尔最近完成了一项15年之久的研究，其中探讨了使人们快乐的原因。他发现了什么？原来快乐的关键在于拥有一份亲密的关系以及一个朋友网络；另一项研究显示我们的社群关系能让我们更健康，并更具有承受压力的弹性。因此要维系持续又健康的友谊是值得努力的！

    如果想要修复一份破裂的友谊，你可以尝试下列的建议。

    在未经证实之前，愿意假设你的朋友是无辜的

    我们都很容易做最坏的假设。但如果有个朋友伤害你，他可能并不知道。

    一位美国的博士学生麦特，想起了两段因为伤人的言语而致破裂的友谊，但这两段友谊不久后都得到修复了。

    “我们或许可以这么想，如果有人伤害到你，‘他应该知道那是不对的’”麦特说，“但事实是我们都是人，而我们都会把事情搞砸。你需要给予人们空间，在事实未经证实之前，先假定你的朋友是无辜的，因为你以后也会希望别人这样看待你。”

    主动和你的朋友沟通

    如果你受伤了，你的直觉很可能是抽身以保护你自己。但你如果这么做，这段友谊很可能就会完了。

    “你要走出去，”曾重建数段友谊的20岁的洁美说，“友谊因失去信任而破裂，两人都需要走出来表明他们是值得信赖的。”

    做第一个道歉的人

    即使你受了伤，仍要为你所做错的事道歉。放弃证明自己是对的的权利，否则你会忘不掉那应该要遗忘的冲突。

    一同面对冲突点

    试着从你朋友的观点来看事情，敞开心扉但和气地去讨论问题。

    刚开始的时候，洁西卡不明白为什么乔依丝不再和她说话。最后乔依丝终于解释说洁西卡的逗弄让她很受不了。“我终于发现她生气是因为我在我们班上的男孩子面前消遣了她。”洁西卡解释说。洁西卡的消遣是没有恶意的，并且认为这样无伤大雅。但当她意识到这会使乔依丝觉得很难堪后，她就不再这么做了。而她们的友谊得以复原。

    接受友谊会改变的事实

    妮寇和米雪从托儿所开始就是最好的朋友。但到了大学时，米雪突然抽身。“有一段时间我们不和对方说话，后来又试着和解，”妮寇说，“但我们现在只是礼貌上的点头之交而已。”

    友谊会改变是很正常的事，往往两个朋友会渐行渐远。当其中一人试着抓住这份友谊，但另一个人却放手的时候，问题就来了。

    如果你的朋友就是不愿意重修旧好，就接受这事实并继续自己的生活吧。但如果你有能力和解的话，那么你就拥有了一份经得起考验的友谊了！

1 Oxford   

n.牛津（英国城市）

参考例句：

• At present he has become a Professor of Chemistry at Oxford.他现在已是牛津大学的化学教授了。
• This is where the road to Oxford joins the road to London.这是去牛津的路与去伦敦的路的汇合处。

2 kindly   

adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地

参考例句：

• Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
• A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。