Earplugs ready, it's the scream queen final

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　　In a match-up dreaded¹ by the Women's Tennis Association (WTA), Maria Sharapova and Victoria Azarenka, two of the game's most notorious shriekers, will contest the Australian Open final on Saturday.

　　The timing³ is unfortunate, coming just days after the WTA launched a crackdown on the unladylike grunting⁵ which has long been a source of debate and innuendo⁶.

　　And stereo screaming from either side of the net may prove too much for the jocular Australian crowd, which joined in en masse with Azarenka's distinctive⁷ exclamations⁸ during her late-night win over Casey Dellacqua.

　　Australia's Channel Seven TV will be on hand with its Whoo! Meter, which has already clocked Azarenka at 91.4 decibels⁹ - the equivalent of a passing truck.

　　Headline writers have gone to town, with the Herald¹⁰ Sun calling the pair the "squeal¹¹ deal" and Britain's Independent saying they are vying¹² to be crowned "princess of wails¹³".

　　Tennis website www.thetennisspace.com listed a compendium¹⁴ of descriptions, with highlights including "the mating call of a peacock", "a balloon being deflated¹⁵" or "a woman about to give birth to triplets".

　　The Age's Richard Hinds¹⁶ recalled Peter Ustinov's famous quip about Monica Seles: "I would hate to be in the next room on her wedding night."

　　"The genesis of the tennis grunt⁴ is disputed," wrote Hinds.

　　"Some say the grunt was invented in Nick Bollettieri's tennis laboratory where, convinced a noisy expulsion would help a player hit the ball harder, the famed coach played soundtracks from pornographic movies near the test tubes in which his 'Deci-belles' were incubating.

　　"Others are adamant¹⁷ the shriek² was secretly encouraged by the WTA Tour marketing¹⁸ department, which hoped to keep spectators awake during early-round matches."

　　The WTA was concerned enough to take action, admitting that "some fans find it bothersome".

　　"Everyone who watches tennis knows grunting is a part of the game, and we are aware that some fans find it bothersome," the body said.

　　"We are currently in the process of exploring how to reduce excessive grunting, especially for younger players just starting out."

　　Azarenka, 22, has greeted all the fuss with good humour, patiently admitting that, yes, she will be well aware of Sharapova's squeals¹⁹ on Saturday evening.

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