5人英语话剧剧本-Yes Means No(似是而非)

　　Teddy Lawson is going to marry Edith Merrill and he asks his father, Mr. Lawson, to finance his honeymoon¹. However, Teddy's father wants him to learn to say NO first because Teddy always says YES to everyone who makes a request. They make a deal that Mr. Lawson will give Teddy one hundred dollars for every time Teddy says NO in half an hour, but if Teddy says YES just once, Teddy forfeits² every NO-Mr. Lawson's secretary, Miss Collins, will make the strict account of every NO.

　　In order to have a nice honeymoon, Teddy tries hard to carry out his father's orders and answer NO as many as possible to everything asked, even though he is running the risks of breaking his father's deal with T. J. Morgan and losing his own sweet heart,Edith Merrill...

　　TEDDY: (Coming to his father's desk L.)

　　Dad, there's something I want to tell you.

　　LAWSON: Oh, is that so! What is it?

　　TEDDY: Well, Dad, I've just proposed to Edith Merrill and she's accepted me.

　　LAWSON: Going to get married, eh? When do you intend doing this?

　　TEDDY: Right away. That's why I wanted to see you, and of course I know you'll finance the honeymoon.

　　LAWSON: Oh... I will, will I? (Pounds desk, rises and comes to Teddy C.) I'll tell you that I'm ashamed of you. You haven't any backbone³... you can't say NO! I left you in charge of my business last week just to see how you'd conduct it. And you did great. Ha!... If I'd stayed away another week, you'd have ruined me (Strolls up C.)

　　TEDDY: I did the best I could!

　　LAWSON: Then you'd make a fine business man. (Coming down C.)The most essential thing in a business man's life is to be able to say "NO." At all times NO. Especially in a credit business like mine. But you said YES to everyone who asked for extra time. (Takes a few steps L.)

　　TEDDY: But they always cried to me and I just couldn't say "no."

　　LAWSON: Well, you'll learn to say "no" before I finance any honeymoon. (Lawson is below desk L. Phone rings, Lawson turns to his desk, grabs phone quickly and sits down.)Lawson talking...! (Listens a second.) NO!!!I... said...NO. (Listens again.)Then I'll foreclose. That's final.. NO! (Lawson hangs up receiver. Turns to Teddy.)That's how I make my money.. being able to say NO.. NO.. NO. (Pounds desk with each "No!" Rises and comes to Teddy C.) And that's the way I want my son to be before he shoulders the responsibility of marriage.

　　TEDDY: Well, give me another chance, Dad... and I'll try to make good.

　　LAWSON: (He sneers⁴ the last word and takes a stroH up C.) Do you mean it?

　　TEDDY: You betl do

　　LAWSON: (Coming down L of Teddy.)

　　TEDDY: All right... I'll give you another chance. You want money for a honeymoon?.. .Very well! You take charge of this office while I go to lunch and I'll give you one hundred dollars for every time you say NO.

　　LAWSON: One hundred dollars?

　　TEDDY: Right! Do you think you can do it?

　　LAWSON: I'll try.

　　TEDDY: (Crosses R to Miss Collins.) Miss Collins, I want you to remain in this office with my son while I'm gone. You can sit at my desk. (Miss Collins doesn't move immediately.) NOW!(She jumps and crosses stage.)

　　COLLINS: Yes, sir!

　　LAWSON: (Crosses L.) And I don't want you to leave it for a second. Understand? (Miss Collins nods.) And I want you to keep strict account of every time my son says NO. But remember, if he answers YES just once... he forfeits every "NO." (Turning to Teddy.)Are you on?

　　TEDDY: Yes. (He realizes what he has said and clasps hand over his mouth.)

　　LAWSON: (Crossing R to door, taking coat and hat from hall-tree.) Very well. You'll be in charge here for one-half hour... (Looks at watch.) Now remember... not one "Yes."... It must be "NO" to everything. (Lawson exits and slams door.) (Teddy stands for a second smiling. Phone rings, and he rushes across stage to phone on desk L, and picking it up shouts into it.

　　TEDDY: NO.. POSITIVELY⁵ NO! (Hangs up. Strolls across stage, grinning at Miss Collins, who is amazed.) That's two... put them down.

　　COLLINS: (Writing.) Yes, sir.(Phone rings. Teddy grabs it again, while Miss Collins warns him to be careful.) You better hear who it is, sir. It may be important.

　　TEDDY: Hello? (Repeating what is said to him.) Is Mr. Lawson in? NO! Do I mind speaking for him? NO! What?... NO!

　　COLLINS: (Rising and pleading.) Don't you think you'd better hang up, sir?

　　TEDDY: (To Miss Collins.) No. Put them all down... there were five of them. (Into phone.) No, no, no! (Raising three fingers to Miss Collins.) I wasn't talking to you... I was talking to Mr. Lawson's secretary. What? No! I should worry? No! (Hangs up. Laughing heartily⁶ at his results so far.)

　　COLLINS: (Fearfully.) Aren't you going a little too far, sir?

　　TEDDY: No! There's another. Are you keeping strict account of them? (Crosses to desk L.) How many are there?

　　COLLINS: Just... just thirteen, sir.

　　TEDDY: (Taking C and dancing a step.) Thirteen, eh?

　　COLLINS: But isn't that an unlucky number, sir?

　　TEDDY: No! That makes fourteen! (Teddy crosses to desk R.) Well, that's a trip to California, anyway. (Phone rings. But this time Miss Collins gets it first.)

　　COLLINS: Hullo? Just a second, please. (Now to Teddy in a whisper.) It's T. J. Morgan to see your father.

　　TEDDY: No!

　　COLLINS: Shall I tell him to come back?

　　TEDDY: No!

　　COLLINS: But he wants to know if he can see Mr. Lawson?

　　TEDDY: Tell him NO! (Emphatically. Crosses R.)

　　COLLINS: (Into phone.) No! (Hangs up.)

　　TEDDY: (Enjoying it all immensely.) Add three more to the list. How many is that now? (Teddy crosses to desk L.) (At this point T. J. Morgan rushes into room unceremoniously.)

　　MORGAN: What's the idea of telling me I can't see Lawson? Is he in? (Comes C as Teddy circles below him to R.)

　　TEDDY: No! (Miss Collins keeps marking every "no.")

　　MORGAN: (Turning to Miss Collins L.) Then who said Lawson wouldn't see me? Was it you? (Mill Collins starts to answer but Teddy butts⁷ in.)

　　TEDDY: No! (Hoists a finger for Miss Collins to get the additional "no" on the record.)

　　MORGAN: (Turning back to Teddy R.) Oh, then it was you?

　　TEDDY: (Gulping.) No!

　　MORGAN: (Confused.) Then who was it? Was there anybody else in the office?

　　TEDDY: No!

　　MORGAN: Can't you say anything but "NO-O-O!?"

　　TEDDY: (Imitating his dragged out "No.") "NO-O-O!"

　　MORGAN: (Waving his hand in disgust.) You're a silly ass⁸... Will you deny that?

　　TEDDY: For a hundred dollars?.. NO! (Signals Miss Collins to add it on the list.)

　　MORGAN: You're impossible. You tell him that T. J. Morgan was here to see him about that lumber⁹ deal. He likes to make money the same as everybody, doesn't he?

　　TEDDY: Why.. .er. . NO!

　　MORGAN: What? (He shakes his finger in Teddy's face.)Do you mean to tell me he's not interested in that lumber deal any more? (Miss Collins tries to speak. Morgan turns to her quickly.) Were you going to say something?

　　TEDDY: No.. She - she wasn't!

　　MORGAN: What? He doesn't want to make a hundred thousand dollars?

　　TEDDY: (Staggering a bit.) N-n-no.

　　COLLINS: Mr. Lawson, don't you think you'd beffer explain?

　　TEDDY: No! Keepwriting!!! (Crosses L to desk.)

　　COLLINS: (Pleading.) But, sir.. you.. you...

　　TEDDY: (Emphatically pounding desk on each "no.") I said NO. And when I say NO...I mean NO!!! four more.. .put them down! (Turns back to Morgan, smiling.)

　　MORGAN: Oh, I see, you're Lawson's son. He had you talk to me because he was afraid to face me himself. Well, there's only one reason for a man passing up a chance to make a hundred thousand dollars. He isn't a rich man at all, is he?

　　TEDDY: Rich?.. .N'n'no!

　　MORGAN: OH! He isn't, eh? I'll tend to him. He'll find out when he fools with T. J. Morgan he's fooling with fire. I'll show him.. I'll show him...(These last lines carry him off R.) (Teddy watches him as he goes and turns upstage, laughing convulsively. Leans on filing cabinet, back to audience.)

　　COLLINS: (Rising and coming to him.) Oh, Mr. Lawson, you'll ruin your father. And after all he is your father, isn't he?

　　TEDDY: No! (Still laughing.)

　　COLLINS: (Staggering back on her heels.) Oh, sir do you know what you are saying?

　　TEDDY: (Embraces Miss Collins, waltzing her down C.) No! I'm only thinking of a honeymoon in some far-off romantic spot.. and if he stays away long enough, I'm sure it will be Venice.(Pushing Miss Collins L.) Go over there and count "no's." How many have we got now?

　　COLLINS: (Counting on desk L.) Thirty-eight, sir.

　　TEDDY: Thirty-eight hundred dollars.. Good. (Phone rings.)

　　COLLINS: Hello! Very well! (Hangs up. To Teddy.) Miss Merrill is here, sir.

　　TEDDY: (Startled.) Oh, I can't see her now!

　　COLLINS: I'm sorry, sir, but they told her that you were here, and she's coming in! (Miss Collins smiles with satisfaction.)

　　TEDDY: Oh, Lord! (He is at R of desk L.)

　　COLLINS: And remember, sir , not one YES... it must be NO to everything. (Edith enters, excited.)

　　EDITH: Hello, Teddy Bear.

　　TEDDY: Hello, darling! (They are C, Teddy,L. Edith, R.)

　　EDITH: Did you tell your father we were going to be married?

　　TEDDY: Ye.. .ye. . .P-Pos-itive-ly! (He looks over his shoulder at Miss Collins in triumph.)

　　EDITH: You're a darling... and you're my darling, AREN'T YOU?

　　TEDDY: Oh, ye.. .ye. . .You said it! (Wipes his brow.) But don't you think you'd better run along now, and I'll see you after work? (He helps her toward the door... she pushes him back again.)

　　EDITH: No, I'll stay. Don't you always want to be near me?

　　TEDDY: (Almost forgetting himself under the spell of her upturned lips.) I'll say ye.. ..... years and years to come will find us together.(Teddy crosses to C in triumph.)

　　EDITH: Then you do love me better than anything else in the world... don't you? SayYES(Pleadingly.)

　　TEDDY: Why.. .ye. . .ye...(Seeking escape.) Did that phone ring? (Crosses to phone R.)

　　EDITIH: No, it didn't. You are glad you proposed to me yesterday, aren't you, dear? SayYES!(She puts her hand on Teddy's cheek lovingly, and draws his head around to her.)

　　TEDDY: (Forgetting for a second.) Why.. YES... (He sees Miss Collins rise from desk with pencil at lips.) YER-T-AY was the happiest day of my life. (To Miss Collins.) That was yesterday.

　　EDITH: (Puzzled.) And don't you feel the same today?

　　TEDDY: Why.. .ye. . ye.. Indeed I do.

　　EDITH: And you'll always be good to me, won't you, dear?

　　TEDDY: Ye...ye...you know I will. (Crosses L.)

　　EDITH: (Pointing to Miss Collins.) Is that woman your father's secretary?

　　TEDDY: Ye... Young Miss Collins is father's secretary. meet my fiancee, Miss Merrill.

　　COLLINS: (Behind desk L, Rises and bows.) Charmed to meet you, Miss Merrill. Mr. Lawson has spoken of you very ofien, haven't you, Mr. Lawson?

　　TEDDY: (Crosses R on above line and has started to seat himself at desk.) Oh, ye Huh? Have I?(Rises.)

　　EDITH: (Consoling him.) Poor Teddy Bear. I've noticed you've acted sort of strangely today. I think I'll run along now and leave you to your work. (Edith starts toward door R.) (Teddy crosses with her toward door.)

　　EDITH: (Suddenly remembering, and returning C.) Oh, my dear! I was leaving and forgetting the most important thing of all. Isn't our marriage the most important thing in the world to us?

　　TEDDY: Why.. .ye. . .ye. . you know it is!

　　EDITH: (Taking his hand. Teddy R, EDITH L.) Then let's rehearse it. Here, take my hand! When the clergyman says to me, "Do you take this man for your lawful¹⁰, wedded¹¹ husband... answer 'Yes' or 'No.' And of course I'll answer YES! Then he turns to you and says, "Do you take this woman for your lawful wedded wife?.. .answer 'Yes' or 'No."' (She closes her eyes.) I'm just dying to hear you say "Yes." (Teddy with a look of anguish¹² on his face, turns to see Miss Collins waiting with pencil in hand and does not reply. Edith opens her eyes, surprised at Teddy's silence.) Well, you must say "Yes."

　　TEDDY: (Still watching Miss Collins.) I... Ican't... (Turns his back to them, face in his hands.)

　　EDITH: What? Teddy Lawson, do you mean to say you don't want to say "Yes"?

　　TEDDY: No! (Indicates another "No" by raising a finger.)

　　EDITH: Then answer... YES or NO!

　　TEDDY: Darling... I must say NO!

　　EDITH: Oh!... NOW I see why you've been acting¹³ so now why you said No.

　　TEDDY: Darling, it was for your good that I said it.

　　EDITH: For my good! Oh, it's the woman who must pay!

　　TEDDY: You're wrong; it's Dad who must pay.

　　EDITH: Oh, so it was your father who bought your love for money. Well, I'll see him about this. Oh, my heart is breaking, my heart is breaking... (She exits R, in tears.)

　　COLLINS: I'm afraid you've lost your sweetheart, sir.

　　TEDDY: Oh, hush¹⁴ up! (Coming to Miss Collins L.) Did you help me out of my dilemma¹⁵? NO! You could have said I was wanted outside... did you do it? NO! You could have had that phone ring. Did you do it? NO! Were you any help to me at all? NO! (He changes mood quickly.) That's four... put them all down. (Laughs and looks at sheet.) How many have we got there now?

　　COLLINS: (Counting.) Five ten - fifteen -

　　TEDDY: Don't skip any.

　　COLLINS: Just forty-six, sir.

　　TEDDY: (Excitedly, taking stage.) Forty-six? Why, it'll be a trip around the world. I must make it an even fifty. (Offstage R, Lawson's voice is heard in warm argument.)

　　LAWSON: You just come in here with me. We'll see what this is all about. (He enters swiftly, followed by Edith and Mr. Morgan. They surround Teddy who has sneaked¹⁶ to C, half frightened.) Now Miss Merrill, ask him before me.

　　EDITH: (Half crying.) Didn't you tell me your father paid you to break off our engagement?

　　TEDDY: NO! (She staggers back amazed.)

　　MORGAN: When I asked you about the lumber deal, what did you say?

　　TEDDY: NO!

　　LAWSON: (Coming toward Teddy and shaking his fist.) Don't you know any better than that?

　　TEDDY: NO! (Calling to Miss Collins on opposite side.) That makes fifty!!!

　　LAWSON: (Bewildered) What's the idea?

　　TEDDY: The idea is that I've carried out your orders... I haven't said one... (Catches himself.) what you said not to say.

　　LAWSON: (Shaking fist in Teddy's face.) Do you think I'm a complete idiot?

　　TEDDY: No! (To Miss Collins.) There's another one... put it down.

　　LAWSON: (To Miss Collins.) Don't you DARE put that down. I've had enough of this.

　　MORGAN: (Approaching Lawson L, and brushing Teddy aside.) I think I understand it all now. It was ajoke.

　　LAWSON: Absolutely! (Going to door R with Morgan.) We'll talk it over at the club tonight. (Morgan exits R.)

　　TEDDY: (Meeting his father C, and grasping his coat lapel.) Make a check for me... for five thousand dollars. Fifty "No's," you know.

　　LAWSON: (Crossing to desk L.) How could anyone say fifty "No's" in fifteen minutes?

　　Imagine what I could do in an hour. My middle name is Speed.

　　LAWSON: All right, I'm the goat. I'll give you the check. Then use some of that speed in getting out of here.(He turns to desk L, and sees Miss Collins seated at it.) Well, what are you doing at my desk?

　　COLLINS: (Rising, frightened.) Why, you told me to sit here, sir. Shall I go to my own desk, sir?

　　LAWSON: (Shouting.) YES! (Miss Collins crosses R, to her own desk.)

　　TEDDY: (Crossing to his father's desk.) Did I hear you say YES?

　　LAWSON: NO! (Writes in checkbook.)

　　EDITH: (Coming to Teddy C.) Oh, Teddy, I see it all now. "No" meant "Yes".. when you said "no."

　　TEDDY: "No".. "Yes"... wait... When I said "No"... when I said.. .I...(Conflised.) Oh, I only know we are going on a honeymoon.(They kiss and embrace.)

　　LAWSON: (Rises with check in hand and comes C.) Here's your check. I made it out for ten thousand instead of five, because ten will take you farther away and keep you away longer.

　　TEDDY: (Taking check and looking at it.) Why, Dad! You're wonderful.. you're marvelous.. you're...(Changing tone.) IS IT GOOD? (Father swells¹⁷ with satisfaction on praise, but turns furiously on last line.) Well, come on, darling. Good-bye, Dad... (They both start for door R.) (Teddy catches hand of Edith who waits for him in door R, and they plunge¹⁸ off happily together.) (Lawson and Miss Collins stare after them, Miss Collins chuckling¹⁹ with delight.)

　　The End

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