写给20多岁的你

　　1. Interrupting conversations.

　　打断谈话。

　　Remember being five, and when your parents were talking to other grownups you’d walk over mid-conversation, tug¹ on their shirts and repeatedly call, “Mom/Dad?” Yeah — that was improper² then — but you were five, so it was fathomable³. Some people are incapable⁴ of comprehending the notion of waiting their turn to speak. When this happens, utilize⁵ the sarcastic⁶ old saying: “I apologize, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”

　　记得5岁的时候，当父母跟其他大人谈话时，你会走过去扯着他们的衣角不断叫唤“妈妈/爸爸” 来打断谈话吗？尽管很不礼貌，但你才5岁嘛，情有可原。有些人就是等不及别人讲完再开口。遇到这种情况，可以略微暗讽一下：“不好意思，我话还没说完，影响到你了吗？”

　　2. Poor hygiene⁷.

　　不讲卫生。

　　As kids we often abhorred⁸ the concept of cleanliness. We relished⁹ wearing the same grass-stained, smelly pants for as long as possible. The thought of bathing made us shiver in our Velcro strapped¹¹ shoes. Now, it’s a different story. It’s remarkable¹² how many folks out there seem to think that deodorant¹³ is optional. I mean, technically¹⁴ it is but it shouldn’t be. They need laws enforcing this. If the pungent¹⁵ aroma¹⁶ of your body odor is burning nostrils¹⁷, and causing eyes to water, you should receive some type of ticket. Stink¹⁸ needs repercussions¹⁹ just as much as loitering does.

　　小孩子一般都不爱干净。就算一直穿着草迹斑斑臭不啦叽的裤子也无所谓。一听说要洗澡，我们可能会趿拉着球鞋磨蹭半天。现在又完全是另外一回事了。竟然有很多人用除臭剂代替洗澡——我觉得真是无法忍受。要是除臭剂混杂着体味都能熏得人眼睛睁不开，那这种人真该被罚款。臭不啦叽跟游手好闲一样令人讨厌。

　　3. Fighting.

　　打架斗殴。

　　With the massive rise of ignorant and disrespectful individuals populating the world — verbal spats²⁰ and altercations²¹ are inevitable²². Contrary to popular belief, screaming obscenities and puffing²³ your chest out as friends hold you back, doesn’t reek²⁴ of badass-ness. In fact, it looks rather foolish. If you consider the end result of a fight, is it ever good? Let’s consider the possible outcomes:

　　现如今无知不讲理的人越来越多，争执和打架也不可避免。其实，争执和强出头根本就吓不倒那些惹是生非的家伙，反倒显得你很幼稚。想想要是最后真动起手来，后果会好么？结果可能会是：

　　You win the fight. Receive some high fives. It ain’t UFC, so you won’t get a paycheck or anything. And now you’ve made an enemy (or enemies).

　　虽然挨了几巴掌，但你打赢了。可这又不是终极格斗冠军赛，就算你赢了也捞不到报酬或其他回报；相反，你却树了不少敌。

　　The cops come. You get arrested, which means fines, jail-time, etc.

　　警察把你拷了起来，然后罚款甚至蹲看守所等等。

　　You hit the other person in the wrong spot, accidentally doing significant and permanent damage. Now you’re screwed.

　　你一拳击中了对方要害，给人家造成了一辈子的伤害。这下你也完了。

　　The opponent hits you in the wrong spot, putting you on the receiving end of some serious damage. Now you’re screwed.

　　对方一拳击中了你的要害，你得一辈子面对这些永久性伤害。你还是完了。

　　You lose. Everyone witnessed you getting your ass¹⁰ kicked, and now you’re ashamed.

　　你打不过对方。所有人都眼睁睁看你被人家整得死去活来，你羞恨交加。

　　They pull out a weapon and stab or shoot you. While I’ve never been stabbed or shot, I hear it stings much worse than your ego²⁵ would after simply walking away from a physical confrontation²⁶.

　　对方用武器（刀枪）对付你。虽然我没有被刀刺或枪击的经历，但我听说这会让你痛不欲生、死去活来。

　　4. Social networking your relationship.

　　网络社交。

　　It’s such a stereotypically²⁷ high school thing to do. Notifying Facebook every time you and your significant other have a squabble is a perfectly²⁸ idiotic²⁹ combination of obnoxious³⁰ and immature³¹. Couples’ quarrels are normal, but your friends/family shouldn’t be alerted about each one of them via Tweets and status updates. Yes, that includes the oh-so-subtle, back-and-forth song lyrics³² and quotes that are clearly projected at each other. Honestly it makes your relationship look shitty, and all of us wish you’d break up.

　　这么俗套的事情也只有高中的时候比较热衷罢了。要是你每次跟“亲爱的他/他”怄气就更新Facebook状态，简直是个傻瓜，既幼稚又令人讨厌。恋人吵架很正常，但你也没必要不断更新状态搅得亲朋好友不得安宁吧？哪怕你用歌词和引用之类的来含沙射影，也还是很烦人。而且说实在的，你这么做只会让人觉得你俩的关系很糟糕，还不如早些分手呢！

　　5. Mispronouncing pronounceable words.

　　拼错不该拼错的单词。

　　Calling spaghetti “pasquetti” isn’t cute anymore. Speech impediments are one thing, but baby talk in an attempt to be adorable should stop entirely³³.

　　现如今把意大利面（spaghetti）说成“pasquetti”早已不流行了。其实，语言障碍是一回事，但为了装可爱而嗲声嗲气说话的习惯却真要不得。

　　6. Picking your nose.

　　挖鼻孔。

　　Seriously, just grab a tissue. If I walk in a room and you jerk your hand away from your face, then begin to roll something between your index finger and thumb, I know you’re guilty.

　　说真的，还是抽张餐巾纸吧！要是我走进房间一眼看到你正煞有介事地抠鼻孔，肯定会认为你这人太没素质。

　　7. Tantrums.

　　乱发脾气。

　　By now you’ve likely experienced enough scenarios³⁴ not going your way, to take a loss and keep things moving. Throwing fits, breaking stuff, screaming, and having an attitude when the going gets tough isn’t going to solve anything. Circumstances may cause rough patches, but battle them head on. Don’t sulk and act like a bratty³⁵ toddler, having an outburst in the store ’cause their parents didn’t buy ’em what they wanted. Also, breaking objects is a bad habit. You’ll regret throwing and damaging your phone, or punching a hole in the wall once the anger wears off.

　　长这么大，你肯定遇过很多不尽人意的事情、遭受过损失，然后继续前行。遇到困难就歇斯底里乱摔东西根本解决不了问题，反倒使情况恶化、争吵加剧。别再跟讨厌的小孩一样，因为爸妈没买他想要的东西就直接在店里大哭大闹。更何况，乱摔东西是个坏习惯，等气消了以后，你可能会为自己摔坏手机或砸破墙壁感到懊悔。

　　8. Sending friends to talk to girls for you.

　　让朋友为你向女孩子传话。

　　I remember sending my friend over to ask a girl for her phone number. She gave a firm, “No,” and stated that if I wanted to approach her, I needed to do it myself. Mind you, this was in fifth grade. If a girl who hadn’t reached her teens yet recognized a cowardly act, surely grown women will. Just man up, and go for it. The only thing worse than getting rejected is having to be informed of said denial by a middleman.

　　我还记得自己曾让朋友向一个女孩要电话号码，女孩果断拒绝了，还说如果我想跟她交朋友，应该自己拿出行动来。——不过，当时我才上五年级。我认为这么小的女孩都能看出我的怯懦，成熟女性肯定也会。拿出男子汉的样子，自己行动起来！比起拒绝，更惨的是从别人口中得知”你出局了”。

　　9. High school festivities.

　　参加高中聚会。

　　If you’re 20+ years of age, you should not be asking things like, “Yo, where the graduation parties at?!” Let it go. You had your four years to shine. The same thing goes for ex-athletes who attend games and critique the current team — attempting to relive their glory days. Move on, find a hobby, and live a grown-up life.

　　如果你已经20出头，就不该再问“哎，毕业聚会定在哪里啊”这样的问题。过去的已经过去，四年时光不再。否则你就像参加比赛的往届冠军，一味地挑现在团队的刺儿，企图重温以往的辉煌。是时候继续前行了——发展某项兴趣，像成年人一样生活吧。

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