你应该忘记的7堂人生课：往前走别回头

　　过去十年里，我意识到我们的文化虽然充满了想法却也抑制了快乐。下面是我更希望不要学习到的东西：

　　1. Problems are bad.

　　难题都是坏事。

　　You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems suck. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering³ you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

　　在校期间，你总是被无聊的权威人士逼着去解决各式各样的难题。你开始觉得这些难题太糟糕了。真正的难题是很棒的，因为每个难题都需要你找到方法来解决它。工作倦怠？这是促使你朝着完美的事业方向迈进。人际关系糟糕？这是教你爱的真谛。各类税款让你发疯？这是在告诉你要请一个会计了。给每个难题找到解决方法也能给你的生活带来乐趣哦。

　　2. It's important to stay happy.

　　保持快乐很重要。

　　Solving a knotty⁴ problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable⁵. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel-not continuous happiness-is the foundation of well-being⁶.

　　解决一个棘手的难题能让我们很开心，但我们可不能为了开心而开心。如果这听起来有点晕的话，那我换个表述：想想那些让你难过的事情，然后告诉自己“我必须开心”。是不是顿觉压力山大了？现在你不妨说“该难过的时候就难过”。让我们的心情顺其自然--持久的快乐并不是幸福的基础。

　　3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past.

　　过去深深的伤害了我。

　　Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable⁷. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated⁸ her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage."  Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment-questioning habitual⁹ thoughts-is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go.

　　痛苦的事情总会留下疤痕，的确是这样，但它们也会随着时间淡去。神经解剖学家Jill Bolte Taylor因中风失忆了，她把这称为失去了“37年的情感包袱。” 其实不需要中风，我们也能经历类似的情感转变。你现在正在做的事情--怀疑以往的想法--已经足够你把过去那些事都翻篇了。比如，找一件曾让你困扰的事情，再想想三个原因来证明这种想法也许是错的。你的大脑就会忘记这个困扰。

　　4. It matters what people think of me.

　　别人的看法对我很重要。

　　"But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded¹⁰ fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant¹¹ lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish¹² came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

　　“如果我失败了，人们就会看不起我了！”你也许会这样想。这种想法只会造成失望、自杀和杀人，这是我在网上看到对自己不实的诽谤时体会到的。我把这些和一个朋友倾诉，她说“你现在是因为幻想别人对你的看法而感到痛苦。” 是的，我的怨恨都来自于我的假设，我假想别人会对我做出一些评价。多可笑！现在试想一下，你将要做的事与别人怎么想你完全无关。学会了吗？很好，一直保持下去吧。

　　5. The pretty girls get all the good stuff.

　　美女能获得所有的好东西。

　　Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios¹³, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

　　天哪，这绝对不是正确的。辅导一些美女客户时，我才发现这种想法是多么错误。这些可人儿的确能得到更多的生活优待，但不得不提，当每个人看她们的时候，没有人真正欣赏她们。几乎每个美女客户的老公，在意的都是她们迷人的身材和轮廓而非她们的内心。

　　6. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.

　　如果我现在心想事成了，生活绝对很完美。

　　Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly¹⁴, when you've stopped depending on tangible¹⁵ rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful¹⁶ as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

　　想想吧：拥有你想要的一切的人们，也许正在康复中心、离婚法庭和监狱。这是因为和药物电视广告一样，财富也会有副作用。事实上，所有能给我们带来快乐的外界东西都会给我们带来伤害。奇怪的是，当你不再依赖于有形的奖励时，它们偏偏经常出现。想得到些什么，就多想想有了它之后生活会多么快乐。快乐才是最重要的。

　　7. Loss is terrible.

　　失去很恐怖。

　　Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled¹⁷ me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

　　十年前，我仍希望一切如旧，害怕失去。难过的时候我会微笑，假装喜欢那些我厌恶的人们。现在我知道，失去并不是灾难性的，它们能促使内心和灵魂的自然循环那些伤害和愈合。真正的悲剧是什么？就是失去了内心和灵魂。如果在挽留某个人或维持某件事的过程中，你失去了自己，那就别再坚持了吧。做真实的自己，失去再难过，你的内心和灵魂也会慢慢愈合。

 

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