英语小达人 326 Correct Male Responses

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　　男人正确的回答

　　What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce¹ if the man does not answer properly.

　　这些问题之所以说它们不好是因为每一个问题如果男人回答得不正确都会导致一场吵架甚至是离婚。

　　Question 1: "Do you love me?"

　　问题一：“你爱我吗？”

　　The correct answer to the question is, "Yes." or if you want to be more elaborate², you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

　　正确的回答是：“爱。”如果你还想多说些，也可以说：“是的，亲爱的，我爱你。”错误的回答包括以下几种：

　　A. I suppose so.

　　A. 我想是的。

　　B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

　　B. 我说是你是不是会感觉好些？

　　C. That depends on what you mean by "love."

　　C. 那得看你说的“爱”是什么意思。

　　D. Does it matter?

　　D. 这很重要吗？

　　E. Who, me?

　　E. 谁，问我吗？

　　Question 2: "Do I look fat?"

　　问题二：“我看起来胖吗？”

　　The correct male response to this question is to confidentl and emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the room. Incorrect answers include:

　　正确的回答方式是确定无疑地说：“不，你一点儿也不胖！”然后迅速离开房间。错误的回答包括以下几种：

　　A. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

　　A. 你这不叫胖，可也确实不太瘦。

　　B. Compared to what?

　　B. 和谁比？

　　C. A little extra weight looks good on you.

　　C. 你胖点儿好看。

　　D. I've seen fatter.

　　D. 我看是胖了些。

　　E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about your insurance policy.

　　E. 你再说一遍好吗？我刚刚在想你的保险条款。

　　Question 3: "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

　　问题三：“你觉得她长得比我好看吗？”

　　The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." or simply "Of course not!" Wrong answers include:

　　这个问题中的“她”可能是你的前任女友或是你盯着看的一个过路人或是你们正在看的电影里的女演员。不管是谁，正确的回答是：“不，你要漂亮得多。”或者“当然没你漂亮！”错误的回答包括以下几种：

　　A. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.

　　A. 并不比你漂亮，只是不同种类的漂亮。

　　B. Not prettier, but definitely⁴ thinner.

　　B. 不比你漂亮，只是更苗条些。

　　C. Yes, but I bet³ you have a better personality.

　　C. 是的，但是我相信你的性格比她好。

　　D. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

　　D. 你在她这个年龄时你一定比她漂亮。

　　Question 4: "What would you do if I died?"

　　问题四：“我死了以后你会怎么办？”

　　A definite no-win question. No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions. This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated⁵ by the following stupid exchange:

　　这绝对是个没法回答的问题。不管你怎么回答，都要准备好回答至少一小时的后续问题。这是最愚蠢的问题，正如下面的对话展现的：

　　Woman: Dear, what would you do if I died?

　　女人：亲爱的，我死了以后你会怎么办？

　　Man: Why, dear, I would be extremely upset. Why do you ask such a question?

　　男人：亲爱的，我会非常伤心。你怎么会问这样的问题？

　　Woman: Would you get married again?

　　女人：你会再结婚吗？

　　Man: No, of course not, dear.

　　男人：当然不会，亲爱的。

　　Woman: Don't you like being married?

　　女人：你不喜欢婚姻吗？

　　Man: Of course I do, dear.

　　男人：当然不是，亲爱的。

　　Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

　　女人：那你为什么不想再结婚？

　　Man: Alright, I'd remarry.

　　男人：好吧，我会再婚。

　　Woman: You would? (looking vaguely⁶ hurt)

　　女人：你会？（看上去有些伤心）

　　Man: Yes.

　　男人：是的。

　　Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

　　女人：你会和她睡在我们的床上吗？

　　Man: Well yes, I suppose I would. Where else would we sleep?

　　男人：是的，我想会的，不然我们睡哪儿？

　　Woman: And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her? (icily)

　　女人：那么你会把我的照片都取下来换成她的吗？（冷冷地）

　　Man: Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.

　　男人：是的，我想应该这样吧。

　　Woman: Is that so? (leaping to her feet) And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.

　　女人：是吗？（在跳脚儿了）我想你还会让她用我的高尔夫球杆吧。

　　Man: Of course not, dear. She's left-handed...

　　男人：当然不，亲爱的，她是左撇子……

　　Question 5: What are you thinking about?

　　问题五：“你在想什么？”

　　The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive⁷, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful⁸, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." Wrong answers include:

　　正确的回答当然是：“亲爱的，如果我显得心事重重，我只是在想你是一个热情、完美、细致而聪明的女人，我能和你在一起实在是很幸运。”错误的回答包括以下几种：

　　A. Baseball.

　　A. 棒球。

　　B. Football.

　　B. 足球。

　　C. How fat you are.

　　C. 你太胖了。

　　D. How much prettier she is than you.

　　D. 她比你漂亮多少。

　　E. How I would spend the insurance moeny if you died.

　　E. 你死了以后我怎么花那笔保险费。

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