Twenty-nine A Priest and a Bus Driver
[00:05.30]A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time.
[00:12.28]They get to the pearly gates where an angel greets them.
[00:17.53]The angel motions to the priest,
[00:21.39]and they both hop in a jeep and go out of the back door.
[00:27.25]There are about 50 acres of rolling hills,with a little cottage on a small hill.
[00:35.79]The angel turns to the priest and says,"This will be yours for eternity.
[00:42.84]A perfect little cottage,right next to a wishing well.
[00:49.32]Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed."
[00:56.16]The priest says,"Oh,thank you so much.This I shall enjoy!"
[01:03.32]The angel drops off the priest and goes back to the pearly gates
[01:09.07]and motions to the bus driver.
[01:12.83]They hop in a limo and go out of the front door.
[01:18.29]There are about 500 acres of land,with mountains and lakes and rivers.
[01:26.54]There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms.
[01:35.09]The angel says"This will be yours for eternity.
[01:40.13]You can live in that castle with servants to wait on your hand and foot,
[01:46.89]and you can have everything you want."
[01:51.26]The bus driver looks at the angel and says,"Well,now,don't think I'm not grateful,
[01:59.90]but shouldn't the priest get all this,not me?
[02:05.47]Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"
[02:11.81]The angel just laughs and says,
[02:16.67]"The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached,
[02:22.84]everyone fell asleep.Now,when you drove your bus,people prayed!"
[02:30.78]Thirty Sabbath Violator
[02:34.54]John and Woody were strolling home from shul on Saturday morning.
[02:40.39]Suddenly a cab sped past,and their friend,Irving,
[02:46.87]was running frantically behind it,waving his arms wildly.
[02:51.13]"Well,"said Woody,"I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator!
[03:00.87]Look at him running for that taxi."
[03:04.71]"Wait a minute."John replied."Didn't you read that book I lent you.
[03:11.35]The other Side of the Story,about the idea judge other oeople favorably?
[03:18.40]I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
[03:24.36]"Yeah,like what?" "Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
[03:31.20]"Come on!He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab-besides,
[03:38.17]he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenegger."
[03:42.25]"Well,maybe his wife's having a baby."
[03:46.56]"She had one last week." "Well,maybe he necks to visit her in the hospital."
[03:55.02]"She's home." "Well,maybe he running to the hospital to get a doctor."
[04:03.98]"He is a doctor." "Well,maybe he needs supplies from the hosptial."
[04:11.35]"The hospital is a three-minute walk in the opposite direction."
[04:16.71]"Well,maybe he forgot it's Sobbath!"
[04:22.45]"Of course he know it's Sabbath.Didn't you see his tie?
[04:29.30]It was his 100! silk tie from italy.He never wears it during the week."
[04:36.66]"Wow,you're a really observant!I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
[04:44.11]"How could you not notice?
[04:47.35]Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
[04:52.31]Thirty -one Canada
[04:56.07]On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said,
[05:01.82]"Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
[05:07.77]It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty
[05:13.94]-It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles,
[05:21.70]and beautiful sparking lakes bountiful with carp and trout.
[05:28.86]There shall be forests full of elk and moose,
[05:33.82]high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
[05:41.37]and rivers stocked with slamon."
[05:45.42]God continued,'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper;
[05:55.40]I shall call these inhabitants Ganadians;
[06:01.14]they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
[06:06.92]"But Lord."asked Gabriel,
[06:11.57]"don't you think you are being too generous to these Ganadians?"
[06:18.64]"Not really."God replied."Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."
[06:26.51]Thirty -two The Art of Papermaking
[06:30.95]Paper was invented in China about the year 105,by a man called Cai Lun.
[06:40.82]He found a way to make paper from the stringy inner bark of the mulberry tree.
[06:47.95]He pounded the bark in water to separate the fibers,
[06:53.60]then poured the soup mixture onto a sieve.
[06:58.74]The water drained away and the soft mat was laid on a smooth surface to dry.
[07:06.40]Bamboo and old rags were also used.
[07:11.75]Later on,somebody thought how to improve the paper by brushing starch on it.
[07:19.20]Chinese traders traveled fat to the west
[07:24.76]where they met Arabs who learned their secret and took it ot Spain.
[07:30.72]From there the aret of papermaking spread over Europe.
[07:36.28]In time,all kinds of improved methods and machines for making paper were discovered.
[07:44.72]One of the most important,for example,
[07:49.86]was a machine developed in France in 1798 that could make a continuous sheet of paper.
[07:58.41]Thirty-three Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
[08:03.58]A salesman selling vacuum cleaners
[08:08.02]is going from door to door trying to flog them to unsuspecting housewives.
[08:15.28]He goes to this new house hoping to have some luck there.
[08:21.63]Carrying his cleaner up to the door
[08:26.28]and holding some goodies in his other hand,he knocks on the door.
[08:32.84]A lady opens the door.
[08:36.78]"Excuse me,madam."says the salesman,while pushing his way into the house.
[08:43.83]He quickly empties the goodies he has all over the lady's new wool carpet,
[08:52.19]including gravel,dirt,and some other crap.
[08:58.36]Then he says."The cleaner that I am about to sell you here
[09:05.52]is so good that if it doesn't clean that crap off your carpet
[09:12.07]I swear that I will eat it!"
[09:16.33]The lady,furious with the mess,replies:"Well,you stupied salesman,
[09:24.19]would you like sauce with that,because we haven't got the power on yet!"
[09:31.25]Thirty-four King of the Jungle
[09:35.48]A lion woke up one morning feeling really angry and mean.
[09:42.53]He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
[09:47.57]"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
[09:52.22]The trembling monkey says,"You are,mighty lion!"
[09:57.58]The lion walked up to an elephant an roared,
[10:03.04]"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
[10:07.79]Fast as lightning,the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk,
[10:13.96]slammed him against a tree half a dozen times,
[10:18.71]making the lion feel like it'd been run over by a wagon.
[10:25.27]The elephant then stomped on the lion
[10:29.39]until it looked like a pancake and then walked away.
[10:34.72]The lion let out a moan of pain,
[10:38.59]lifted his head weakly and shouted after the elephant,
[10:43.34]"Geez,just because you don't know the answer,you don't have to get so pissed off!" |