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Men Move in the Wake of Wives' Jobs
PHOENIX - Things have changed since Mark Breidenbach and Chris Walker grew up 30 years ago in homes anchored by Dad, the breadwinner, and Mom, the caretaker.
Breidenbach and Walker, both married to corporate vice presidents, are among the estimated two million American men who, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, give up jobs and follow their spouses to new cities each year. It's a bitter pill to swallow for some men.
"It poses real problems from a self-confidence standpoint for some men when they're without that part of their identity that they derive from their careers," says Laura Piel, president of Renaissance Personnel Group in Phoenix.
For Breidenbach and Walker, putting their families first, treating their wives as partners and being secure in their job skills have made it workable.
?"Throw your pride in the trash," advises Breidenbach, 35, who moved to Dallas from Phoenix in December with his wife Gillian, a vice president at Bank of America, and their two young sons. "We live in a new world that's changing, and you need to embrace it."
Walker, 39, changed careers 18 months ago, when travel required by his job as a bank vice president began to interfere with the schedule of his wife Joan, a vice president for Avnet2. He now works in real estate, frequently from his Phoenix home, and enjoys the flexibility to care for their two children.
"It never bothered me that Joan worked," Walker says. "I expect her to be president of Avnet someday."
? Women are earning MBAs at a faster rate than men and are relocating their families to new cities at a greater percentage than husbands, Census Bureau figures show. Women account for 46% of the U.S. workforce and may outnumber men in it by the year 2025, according to the Washington, D.C.-based Employment Policy Foundation.
?"As more women move up the corporate ladder, they are increasingly viewed as the best person for the job and are more likely to be transferred as they advance their careers," says John Challenger, chief executive officer of Challenger, Gray & Christmas Inc., a Chicago outplacement firm.
?Challenger says many husbands of successful women struggle with being uprooted from their families, friends and work, and assuming a new role in a new environment.
?"Many have a difficult time being the trailing spouse because of ego and role issues, and often the world doesn't understand it or accept it, so it makes it harder," Challenger says.
?Valerina Quintana of the University of Arizona's career development center winces at the phrase "trailing spouse," because "it sounds like the appendage of a kite." Quintana's office helped 34 "accompanying partners" of new university employees find work last fiscal year. Men and women handle relocations differently, she says.
?"Women let me know the emotionality around the move," Quintana says. "With men, it's more matter-of-fact. They are very focused on finding a position."
?Breidenbach, who left MicroAge, used BofA's relocation services but ultimately found a management position at a Dallas software firm via the Internet. He took a month off between jobs to get his family established.
?"He picked up all the traditional women responsibilities - checking out day care, taking the kids to the park, meeting with the (house) builder," says Gillian Breidenbach. "He's extremely proud of what I do and extremely supportive."
?Challenger says expressing your feelings before a move is crucial, as is becoming involved in your community quickly after it: "If you're going to look for a job, you should engage in the process immediately and not look back. Take a class, join a church, meet people and get meaning in your life."
?Lori Hartman lived apart from her husband John in five cities for seven years while her career took off. The couple have been together for seven years in Phoenix, where they both now work for Avnet. Trust and respect made the long separations possible.
"I feel like we're settled, but I'd love to pack up and go to Europe or Singapore or Hong Kong to work," Hartman says.
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