and as soon as people realize

how much money they have to spend

on holiday gifts,

their wallets snap tighter

than Kim Kardashian's legs

after the wedding check cleared.

-I've always loved 

this time of year

spiced pumpkin lattes,

bringing my winter furs out,

then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaner's

to get the red peta paint out.

-For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves

and finding a used condom.