because it is time for every wedding speech ever! 因为婚礼致词的时间到了!

Hi, everyone. I hope you're all having as much fun as I am tonight. 嗨，大家好。希望你们今晚和我一样开心。

For those of you who do not know me, I am the maid of honor. 如果不知道我是谁的话，我是伴娘。

I am the groom's brother. He felt obligated to make me the best man even though we are not close at all. 我是新郎的老弟。虽然我们一点儿都不亲，但他觉得他有义务让我当伴郎。

I'm the bride's father. This is the first time I'm seeing my ex-wife since the divorce, 我是新娘的爸爸。这是我离婚之后第一次见到前妻，

so I'm desperately trying to look good. 所以我努力让自己看起来体面些。

I am the groom's mother, and I just wanna say... 我是新郎的妈妈，我想说...

This day is all about Lauren and Casey, except for the next five minutes 今天是属于劳伦和凯西的日子，但接下来的五分钟除外，

which will be about me living out my dream of being a stand-up comedian. 因为我要实现当个人喜剧演员的梦想。

I wasn't exactly sure how to convey how much you two mean to me, so I wrote this poem. 我不知道怎么表达你们俩对我有多重要，所以写了这首诗。

I just spent four days with my brother and his actual friends. 我刚跟我哥和他的真朋友混了四天。

It was bad and not fun. Everyone would've preferred if I wasn't there. 简直糟透了，一点儿都不好玩。所有人都希望我别在那里比较好。

Casey and Lauren, your love is true. Casey and Lauren, I wish only the best for you. 凯西和劳伦，你们的爱是真爱。凯西和劳伦，我祝你们幸福美满。

The dictionary defines soul mate as "a person who's perfectly suited to another in temperament." 字典解释灵魂伴侣的意思是：“一个人在性格上与另一人完全合拍。”

And that's just like Casey and Lauren. 而这就是凯西和劳伦之间的关系。

I love my baby. 我爱我的宝贝。

Casey and Lauren, you'll be together forever. 凯西和劳伦，你们将会相伴一生。

Casey and Lauren, seeing your love makes me feel light like a feather. 凯西和劳伦，见证你们的爱让我开心到觉得轻飘飘的。

And now, I will continue for 10 more minutes. 现在，我要再继续讲十分钟。

I can't wait to take my brother down. 我等不及要把我哥哥打倒。

I remember this specific sh**ty thing he did to me when we were little that I should be over by now. 我永远记得他对我干的好事，虽然这是我们小时候的事，而我现在也早该释怀了。

You're really more like a sister to me than a best friend. 对我来说，你不仅是最好的闺蜜，甚至更像亲姊妹。

Seriously, what am I going to do now that you're married? 说真的，你结婚后我要怎么办？

I am hanging on by a f**king thread right now. 老娘我现在处境艰难。

I...I'm...I've been so happy. 我好高兴！

Growing up, Lauren loved the play Annie. 从小到大，劳伦都很喜欢看《孤女安妮》。

Maybe that's why she's always looked at me as her Daddy Warbucks. 也许这就是为什么她总是把我当富翁老爹看待的原因。

That's right; I'm gonna keep coming up with unfunny ways to remind everybody that I paid for this wedding. 没错，我要继续讲这些难笑的话，来提醒大家这婚礼钱是我出的。

Do you remember what happened at Horseshoe Lake? 还记得我们在马蹄湖发生的事吗？

And who can forget that one time on Bell Tower Hill? 还有那次钟楼山上的难忘回忆？

I'll keep alienating everyone else by vaguely alluding to things that only the two of us experienced. 我要继续用这些模糊不清的词暗示我们两人的经历来排挤在场的其他人。

I think we can eat right now. 我觉得我们可以开动了。

Now, I'm gonna raise some red flags. 现在我要提出警告。

Here's a story about your husband's first girlfriend, who he treated like absolute sh**. 我讲个你老公第一任女友的故事，他对待那女人简直糟透了。

I'm now going to embarrass you in front of your family 我现在要在你家人面前糗你一番，

by hinting at some wild night we had in college at a sex party 暗示大家我们在读大学时晚上参加性派对，

where we were both trashed and high out of our f**king minds. 结果喝得烂醉又迷糊到不行。

Oh, oh, here's another story about your husband hating women. 喔喔，我还有另一个关于你老公讨厌女人的故事。

Here's a joke about how you'll probably get divorced, but I'm not paying for the next wedding. 我来讲个你可能会离婚的玩笑话，但我不会再付下次婚礼的钱了。

I am so excited that I get to be a grandma. 一想到我要当奶奶我就好兴奋。

Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your love. 真的很谢谢你，用爱庇护我。

Wow, I'm just realizing how that was the weirdest way to end this speech. 哇，我现在才发现用这种方式结束致词真怪。

Now, you take care of my little girl. Make sure she stays out of trouble. 你要好好照顾我女儿。确保她安全无虞。

You're the new man in her life and other statements that sounds nice but are actually super misogynistic. Yeah. 你是她人生中新的男人，其他说法听起来也挺不错，但就是太贬低女人了点儿。没错。