英语PK台 第1068期:幸福的家庭总是相似 幽默小说《金婚蜜月》（在线收听）

1. Mother says that when I start talking, I never know when to stop. But then, "Well, Mother," I say, "when people are like you and I, and married over fifty years, do you expect everything I say will be something you ain't heard me say before?” So she says: "You can bet they ain't, as nobody else can stand you that long." You can't get ahead of Mother. 

孩他妈说我一开口说话就停不下来。但，我的回答是：“嗯，孩他妈，当两个人像咱俩这样，都已经结婚五十年了，你还会期待从我这听到的每一句话都是新鲜的吗？”于是，她回答说：“当然不会，因为没有其他人能忍你这么久。”你不可能赢得了孩他妈。

2. It would be our Golden Honeymoon. We ended up in St. Petersburg, where we stayed at a cosy hotel. I asked Mother how she would like to travel around more after this trip and she said: "Fine, but not with an old rattle brain like you driving." You can't get ahead of Mother.

我们金婚蜜月之旅的最后一站来到了圣彼得堡，住进了一家舒适的酒店。我问孩他妈，这次旅行后她是否还想多走几个地方。她回答说：“想啊，但是我可不想和你这样愚蠢又多嘴的家伙一起开车去了。” 你不可能赢得了孩他妈。

3. On the third day it was Mother's birthday, so we ordered ourselves a real sirloin steak in the Peninsula Hotel restaurant, that was hardly big enough for one. I said to Mother: "Well, I guess it's a good thing every day ain't your birthday or we would be in the poorhouse." "No," says Mother, "because if every day was my birthday, I would be old enough by this time to of been in my grave long ago." You can't get ahead of Mother. 

还有三天就是孩他妈的生日了，于是我们在半岛酒店的餐厅订了一份真正的沙朗牛排，这玩意几乎都不够我俩一个人吃的。我对孩他妈说：“嗯，我觉得你不是每天都过生日还挺好的，不然我们就得搬进救济院了。” “确实，”孩他妈说，“如果每天都是我的生日，我早就老到入土了。” 你不可能赢得了孩他妈。

4. But I want to tell you about the Park. While I was playing checkers with a random passer-by who was also keen on a game of checkers or two, Mother sat down on a bench. The woman next to her started a conversation. She was a woman about Mother's own age, seventy or seventy-one, and finally she asked Mother's name. Mother told her her name and where she was from, and Mother asked her the same questions, and who do you think the woman was? 

我还想给你们讲一下关于公园的事情。当我跟一个同样喜爱下棋的路人对弈时，孩他妈坐在了长凳上。她旁边的女人开始跟她交谈。这女人跟孩他妈的年龄相仿，70或71的样子，最后她问了孩他妈的名字。孩他妈把自己的名字和以前住的地方告诉了她，孩他妈也问了她同样的问题，你们觉得这个女人会是谁？

5. Well, sir, it was the wife of Frank M. Hartsell, the man who was engaged to Mother till I stepped in, fifty-two years ago! Yes, sir! You can imagine Mother's surprise! And Mrs. Hartsell was surprised, too, when Mother told her she had once been friends with her husband, though Mother didn't say how close friends they had been. Mother asked if Frank was still living and Mrs. Hartsell simply pointed over her shoulder. 

好吧，告诉你们，她就是52年前那个在我介入之前与孩他妈订过婚的那个家伙弗兰克·M·哈特赛尔的妻子！没错，你可以想象孩他妈当时惊讶的样子！而且，当孩他妈告诉她曾经与她丈夫是朋友时，哈特赛尔太太也感到很惊讶——虽然孩他妈并没有说他们曾经是多么亲密的朋友。孩他妈问弗兰克是否还活着，哈特赛尔太太只是朝自己身后指了指。

6. There was old Frank! And he knew Mother as soon as he saw her, though it was over fifty years ago she left him. He said he saw it in her eyes. "Why, it's Lucy Frost!" he said. Him and I are the same age, but he seems to show it more. He is balder for one thing. And his beard is all white, where mine has still got a streak of brown in it. 

老弗兰克出现了！他一见到孩他妈就认出了她，尽管五十多年前孩他妈离开了他。他说他是从她的目光里认出了她。“哎呀，这不是露西·弗罗斯特嘛！”他说。他和我同岁，但他看上去比我老一些。首先，他头发都掉光了。而且，他的胡子已经全白了，而我的胡须里还保留着些许褐色。

7. Well, I excused myself from the checker game and it was pretty close to noon, so we decided to all have lunch together. After, we invited them to our place. We began talking over old times and Mother said she was scared Mrs. Hartsell would find it tiresome listening to we three talk over old times, but as it turned out Mrs Hartsell talked more than anyone I ever met. 

好吧，我找借口退出了棋局。此时已近正午，于是我们决定两家人共进午餐。之后，我们邀请他们两口子来到了我们的住处。我们开始叙旧，孩他妈说她很担心哈特赛尔太太在听我们三个讲过去的事时会觉得无聊，但是事实证明，哈特赛尔太太比我见过的任何人都善谈。

8. She bragged on and on about her son, and Mother made me shut up. Well, I thought they wouldn't never go home and I and Mother were in misery trying to keep awake, as the both of us always take a nap after lunch. Finally, they left after Mrs. Hartsell invited us to come to their place the next night and play cards. Now I don't mind playing cards, but how can a woman like Hartsell's wife play cards when they have got to stop every couple seconds and brag about their son? So Mother said: "You are getting too cranky. Maybe she does talk a little too much but she is good hearted. And Frank is always good company." So I said: "I suppose if he is such good company you wished you had of married him." Mother laughed and said I sounded like I was jealous. 

她开始吹嘘她儿子有多厉害，孩他妈让我闭嘴。好吧，我以为他们永远也不回家了，而且我和孩他妈都在苦苦挣扎着保持清醒，因为我们俩总是在午餐后小睡一会。最后，在哈特赛尔太太邀请我们第二天晚上到他们的住处去玩纸牌之后，他们终于离开了。我其实并不介意玩纸牌，但是像哈特赛尔的妻子这样的女人，如何能在每隔几秒钟就要停下来吹嘘一下她儿子的情况下玩纸牌呢？然后，孩他妈对我说：“你别胡思乱想了。或许她说话的确有些夸张，但她心地很好。弗兰克一直是个好搭档。”我于是接着话茬说：“我猜，如果他是个好搭档，你肯定后悔了当时没嫁给他。”孩他妈笑了，说我听起来像是吃醋了。

9. Maybe I forgot myself, but anyway, when we were about done playing cards that following evening, Hartsell made the remark that he wouldn't ever lose a game of cards if he could always have Mother for a partner in his team of card players. So I said: "Well, you had a chance fifty years ago to always have her for a partner, but you weren’t a man enough to keep her." I was sorry the minute I had said it. Hartsell didn't know what to say and for once his wife couldn't say a word. Mother tried to smooth things over by making the remark that I must of had something stronger than tea or I wouldn't talk so silly. But Mrs. Hartsell had frozen like an iceberg and hardly said good night to us. I bet her and Frank put in a pleasant hour after we were gone. 

也许我有点儿想多了，但不管怎样，当我们第二天晚上就要就要打完牌时，哈特赛尔说，如果他总是可以有孩他妈这样的好搭档，他玩纸牌就永远不会输。于是，我说：“好吧，五十年前，你有机会让她永远成为你的搭档，但你当时不够格。”我刚把这话抛出去的那一刻就后悔了。哈特赛尔不知道该怎么接这话，而他的妻子也少见的一个字也没说。孩他妈试图转移一下话题，说我肯定是喝了比茶更刺激的饮料，否则不会说这么傻的话。但哈特赛尔太太像被冻住了的冰山一样，几乎连声晚安都没说。我打赌她和弗兰克在我们离开后会有一个小时的愉快时光。

10. I tried to keep quiet, but as soon as we were out of the house she started scolding me. Well, I wasn't in the mood to be scolded. So I said: "I guess he is such a wonderful card player that you wished you had married him." "Well," she said, "at least he ain't a baby." "Well," I said, "why didn't you marry him?" "Well," said Mother, "I almost wished I had!" "And I wished so, too!" I said. "I'll remember that!" said Mother, and that's the last word she said to me for two days. We saw the Hartsells the next day in the Park and I was willing to apologize, but they just nodded to us. 

我试图保持安静，但我们一出门，她就开始责骂我。嗯，我现在可没心情被骂。于是，我说：“我猜，他纸牌玩得那么好，你肯定后悔了当时没嫁给他。” “好吧，”她说，“至少他不是个‘巨婴’。” “嗯，”我说，“那你为什么没嫁给他？”“好吧，”孩他妈说，“我有点儿希望当时嫁给的是他！”“我也希望如此！”我说。“我会记住你说的话的！”孩他妈说。这是两天内她对我说的最后一句话。第二天我们在公园里看到了哈特赛尔夫妇，我想要为前一天的事情道歉，但他们只是向我们点了点头。

11. Mother and I made it up setting on a bench. "Listen, Charley," she said. "This is our Golden Honeymoon and we don't want the whole thing spoilt with a silly old quarrel." "Well," I said, "did you mean that about wishing you had married Hartsell?" "Of course not," she said, "that is, if you didn't mean that you wished I had, too." So I said: "I was just tired and all wrought up. I thank God you chose me instead of him as there is no other woman in the world who I could have lived with for all these years." "How about Mrs. Hartsell?" says Mother. "Good gracious!" I said. "Imagine being married to a woman that plays cards like she does!” So I put my arm around her shoulder and she stroked my hand. The next day we took our train for home and arrived safe and sound, having been gone just one month and a day. Here comes Mother, so I guess I better shut up. 

然后，孩他妈和我坐在长凳上把这件事聊透了。“听着，查理，”她说，“这是我们的金婚蜜月，我们都不希望它被愚蠢的翻旧账式的争吵给毁了。” “好吧，”我说，“你的意思是后悔当时没嫁给哈特赛尔吗？”“当然不是，”她说，“我是说，如果你也并不是真的希望我那样想的话。” 于是，我说：“我只是累了，哪哪都不对劲。我感谢上帝，你选择了我而不是他，要不这些年来还有哪个女人愿意和我住在一起。” “哈特赛尔太太怎么样？” 孩他妈说。“天呐！” 我说，“设想一下娶了一个像她那样打牌的女人！”于是，我伸出手臂搂在她的肩膀上，她轻抚着我的手。第二天，我们乘火车回家，经过了一个月零一天的旅程，终于平安到家了。孩他妈向我走了过来，所以我最好先闭嘴。