时代周刊 瘾君子的自白（在线收听）

I am an addict

我是一名吸毒者

BY JOHN

文/约翰

JOHN, lower left, 49, preparing to inject in the bathroom of a restaurant in Boston on Jan. 12.

约翰，左下，49岁，照片拍摄于1月12日，他正躲在波士顿的一家餐馆的洗手间准备注射毒品。

I HAD A CAREER IN SALES IN THE AUTOMOBILE business.

我本来在汽车行业做销售。

I was making a lot of money, upwards of a $100,000 a year.

挣的钱还不少，一年能挣10多万。

I always messed around with, you know, drinking, pot, but it never truly affected me.

我一直都在瞎混，酗酒，抽大麻，你懂的，但它从未真正影响过我。

Then I started up with the OxyContins.

我的毒瘾是从吃止痛药开始的。

Opiates are a whole different ball game.

阿片类止痛药的游戏规则完全不一样。

You don't really get hung over from them.

你并不会真正被困扰。

It's an amazing feeling, that warm hug from Jesus.

那是一种神奇的感觉，就像来自上帝的温暖拥抱。

It started as a once-in-a-while thing.

一开始我也只是偶尔抽一抽。

But I began telling myself, "Well, if I can feel this good on Friday and Saturday, why shouldn't I feel this good on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

后来我就想，“好吧，既然星期五星期六可以感觉这么爽，那干嘛不周二周三也爽一下？”

And then the price started going up, and all of a sudden they're $80 a pill.

后来毒品的价格开始上涨了，一夜之间就涨到了80美元一片。

At this point, I've got a six- or sevenpills- a-day habit.

这个时候，我已经养成了每天都要吃六到七片的习惯了。

I wouldn't get out of bed without one.

不吃上一片我连床都不会起。

I always knew about heroin, but it was a line I didn't want to cross.

我一直都知道海洛因这个东西，只不过过去我不想越界。

But, you know, the ship had already sailed.

但是，你懂的，开弓就没有回头箭的。

An opiate's an opiate's an opiate.

阿片类药物就是阿片类药物。

The heroin was so much cheaper.

毕竟海洛因便宜得多。

I started shooting it, and it's been like that for probably 15 years.

我也就开始注射海洛因了，这一注射就是将近15年。

When you're dope sick, like bad, you're not making your own decisions no more.

但如果你毒瘾上来了，而且很厉害的话，你就不能自主了。

Your decisions are made for you.

你的决定毒品已经给你做好了。

They say it's like a bad flu.

他们说毒瘾就像一场严重的流感。

But it's so much worse than that.

实际上要比流感厉害得多。

You get achy bones, zero energy, intestines are all roughed up, you're throwing up out of both ends.

你的骨头会很痛，你会丧失所有的精力，肠子搅在一起，还会上吐下泻。

And the buildup to how sick you're going to get and how shitty you're going to feel makes the anxiety, like, through the roof.

而且，身体变虚同时感觉越来越难受的过程会让你焦躁得暴跳如雷。

I'm not trying to die, contrary to people's belief.

我并不会想大家以为的那样寻死。

I'm not trying to kill myself.

我不会想办法自杀。

I'm just an addict.

因为我只是对毒品上瘾而已。