英国卫报：中国,我想回来!(9)（在线收听）

While travelling alone, I wasn't sure what my purpose was. I spent a lot of time in Airbnbs doing my freelance work.

独自旅行时我不确定自己的目的是什么。我花了很多时间在Airbnbs做自由职业者。

I had a research gig combing through recent media portrayals of China in the US to create a summary for an academic institution.

我曾做过一项研究工作，梳理美国媒体最近对中国的描述，为一家学术机构撰写摘要。

I trawled through white papers describing Chinese student spies and ominous articles predicting a second cold war – abstract, alarming concepts that seemed far removed from the gentle patter of my family WeChat.

我翻看了描述中国学生间谍的白皮书和预测第二次冷战的不祥文章——这些抽象的、令人震惊的概念似乎和我家族微信群里的温和模式相距甚远，

The articles I read seemed to have no connection to the ordinary lives going on around me.

我读的文章似乎和我周围的日常生活没有什么联系。

In the evenings I stayed in my room and read manga. I had hardly anyone to see. Most of the time I was on my own.

晚上我呆在房间里看漫画，我找不到什么人陪我，大部分时间里我都是一个人。

A year after my interviews, I did see my yeye one more time. Over Christmas 2019, I found myself in China again.

距离那次采访一年后，我又一次看到了爷爷。2019年的圣诞节，我又来到了中国。

This time, my parents, brother, and I were paying a quick family visit before returning to the US.

这一次，我的父母、哥哥和我在回美国之前短暂地走了一次亲戚。

yeye's dementia was worse. I asked after his novels, but still didn't get my hands on any.

爷爷的痴呆更严重了。我询问了他的小说，但还是一本都没有拿到。

My nainai ate at a new hotpot restaurant with us in Hefei. In Shanghai, I dyed my hair blue.

奶奶和我们在合肥的一家新开的火锅店里吃饭。我在上海把头发染成了蓝色。

Three months after we returned home, the US locked down for the pandemic.

我们在回到家三个月后，美国因疫情进行了封锁。

"还是想哭," my father said in the WeChat group after my grandfather's memorial was over, which translates to"Still want to cry."

“还是想哭，”爷爷的追悼会结束后父亲在微信群里说。

Also: "这是人生." Which means "This is human life."

还有：“这就是人生。”

In a eulogy written after my grandfather's death, my aunt wrote: "Father, you always wished for one of us to become a great writer. Your granddaughter is at this moment working towards that goal."

在我爷爷去世后写的悼词中，姑姑写道：“父亲，你一直希望我们中有一个能成为伟大的作家。你的孙女此刻正朝着这个目标努力。”

When I read it, my first reaction was resentment, that they would use my dreams of being a writer to appease my grandfather's spirit.

当我读到这里的时候我的第一反应是怨恨，他们在用我当作家的梦想来安抚爷爷的灵魂。

That after his death, the pressure on me would only increase. The pressure to honour his memory, and my grandmother's.

他死后我的压力只会增加，缅怀爷爷和奶奶的记忆的压力。