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Mr. A. Ward1,Dear Sir: -- Well, I called on good-natured, garrulous2 old Simon Wheeler, and inquired after your friend, Leonidas W. Smiley, as you requested me to do, and I hereunto append the result. If you can get any information out of it you are cordially welcome to it. I have a lurking3 suspicion that your Leonidas W. Smiley is a myth -- that you never knew such a personage, and that you only conjectured4 that if I asked old Wheeler about him it would remind him of his infamous5 Jim Smiley, and he would go to work and bore me nearly to death with some infernal reminiscence of him as long and tedious as it should be useless to me. If that was your design, Mr. Ward, it will gratify you to know that it succeeded.
I found Simon Wheeler dozing6 comfortably by the bar-room stove of the old, dilapidated tavern7 in the ancient mining camp of Boomerang, and I noticed that he was fat and bald-headed, and hadan expression of winning gentleness and simplicity8 upon his tranquil9 countenance10. He roused up and gave me good-day. I told him a friend of mine had commissioned me to make some inquiries11 about a cherished companion of his boyhood named Leonidas W. Smiley -- Rev12. Leonidas W. Smiley -- a young minister of the Gospel, who he had heard was at one time a resident of this village of Boomerang. I added that if Mr. Wheeler could tell me any thing about this Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, I would feel under many obligations to him.
Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me therewith his chair -- and then sat me down and reeled off themonotonous narrative13 which follows this paragraph. He neversmiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from thegentle-flowing key to which he tuned14 the initial sentence, he neverbetrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm -- but all through theinterminable narrative there ran a vein15 of impressive earnestnessand sincerity16, which showed me plainly that, so far from hisimagining that there was any thing ridiculous or funny about hisstory, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its twoheroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse17. To me, thespectacle of a man drifting serenely18 along through such a queer yarnwithout ever smiling was exquisitely19 absurd. As I said before, I askedhim to tell me what he knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and hereplied as follows. I let him go on in his own way, and neverinterrupted him once:
There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smiley, in thewinter of '49 -- or maybe it was the spring of '50 -- I don't recollectexactly, somehow, though what makes me think it was one or theother is because I remember the big flume wasn't finished when hefirst came to the camp; but any way, he was the curiosest man aboutalways betting on any thing that turned up you ever see, if he couldget any body to bet on the other side, and if he couldn't he'd changesides -- any way that suited the other man would suit him -- any wayjust so's he got a bet, he was satisfied. But still, he was lucky --uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He was alwaysready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no solitry thingmentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it -- and take any side youplease, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-race, you'd findhim flush, or you'd find him busted20 at the end of it; if there was adog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight, he'd bet on it; if therewas a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if there was two birds settingon a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first -- or if therewas a camp-meeting, he would be there reglar, to bet on ParsonWalker, which he judged to be the best exhorter21 about here, and sohe was, too, and a good man. If he even seen a straddle-bug start togo any wheres, he would bet you how long it would take him to getwherever he was going to, and if you took him up, he would follerthat straddle-bug to Mexico but what he would find out where he wasbound for and how long he was on the road. Lots of the boys herehas seen that Smiley, and can tell you about him. Why, it nevermade no difference to him -- he would bet on anything -- thedangdest feller. Parson Walker's wife laid very sick, once, for a goodwhile, and it seemed as if they warn't going to save her; but onemorning he come in, and Smiley asked him how she was, and hesaid she was considerable better -- thank the Lord for his inf'nitmercy -- and coming on so smart that, with the blessing22 ofProvidence, she'd get well yet -- and Smiley, before he thought,says, "Well, I'll resk two-and-a-half that she don't, anyway."Thish-yer Smiley had a mare23 -- the boys called her the fifteen-minutenag, but that was only in fun, you know, because, of course, she wasfaster than that -- and he used to win money on that horse, for allshe was so slow and always had the asthma24, or the distemper, orthe consumption, or something of that kind. They used to give hertwo or three hundred yards' start, and then pass her under way; butalways at the fag-end of the race she'd get excited anddesperate-like, and come cavorting25 and straddling up, andscattering her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, andsometimes out to one side amongst the fences, and kicking upm-o-r-e dust, and raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing andsneezing and blowing her nose -- and always fetch up at the standjust about a neck ahead, as near as you could cipher26 it down.
And he had a little small bull pup, that to look at him you'd think hewarn't worth a cent, but to set around and look ornery, and lay for achance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him, hewas a different dog -- his underjaw'd begin to stick out like thefo'castle of a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover, and shinesavage like the furnaces. And a dog might tackle him, and bully-raghim, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder two or threetimes, and Andrew Jackson -- which was the name of the pup --Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he was satisfied, andhadn't expected nothing else -- and the bets being doubled anddoubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up -- andthen all of a sudden he would grab that other dog jest by the j'int ofhis hind27 leg and freeze to it -- not chaw, you understand, but only jestgrip and hang on till they thronged28 up the sponge, if it was a year.
Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dogonce that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off ina circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, andthe money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt,he saw in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the otherdog had him in the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, andthen he looked sorter discouraged-like, and didn't try no more to winthe fight, and so he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, asmuch as to say his heart was broke, and it was his fault, for puttingup a dog that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which washis main dependence29 in a fight, and then he limped off a piece andlaid down and died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson,and would have made a name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuffwas in him, and he had genius -- I know it, because he hadn't had noopportunities to speak of, and it don't stand to reason that a dogcould make such a fight as he could under them circumstances, if hehadn't no talent. It always makes me feel sorry when I think of thatlast fight of his'n, and the way it turned out.
Well, thish-yer Smiley had rat-tarriers, and chicken cocks, and tom-cats, and all of them kind of things, till you couldn't rest, and you couldn't fetch nothing for him to bet on but he'd match you. He ketched a frog one day, and took him home, and said he cal'klated to edercate him; and so he never done nothing for three months but set in his back yard and learn that frog to jump. And you bet you he did learn him, too. He'd give him a little hunch30 behind, and the nextminute you'd see that frog whirling in the air like a doughnut -- see him turn one summerset, or may be a couple, if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of ketching flies, and kept him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as far as he could see him. Smiley said all a frog wanted was education, and he could do most anything -- and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster down here on this floor -- Dan'l Webster was the name of the frog -- and sing out, "Flies, Dan'l, flies!" and quicker'n you could wink31, he'd spring straight up, and snake a fly off'n the counter there, and flop32 down on the floor again as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to scratching the side of his head with his hind foot as indifferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. And when it come to fair-and-square jumping on a dead level, he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand, and when it come to that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous33 proud of his frog, and well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and ben everywheres, all said he laid over any frog that ever they see.
Well, Smiley kept the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetchhim down town sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller -- a stranger in the camp, he was -- come across him with his box, and says:
"What might it be that you've got in the box?"And Smiley says, sorter indifferent like, "It might be a parrot, or it might be a canary, may be, but it ain't -- it's only just a frog."And the feller took it, and looked at it careful, and turned it round this way and that, and says, "H'm -- so 'tis. Well, what's he good for?""Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, "He's good enough for one thing, I should judge -- he can out-jump ary frog in Calaveras county."The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, "Well -- I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog.""Maybe you don't," Smiley says. "Maybe you understand frogs, and maybe you don't understand 'em; maybe you've had experience, and maybe you ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got my opinion, and I'll resk forty dollars that he can outjump ary frog in Calaveras county."And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sad, like, "Well, I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog -- but if I had a frog, I'd bet you."And then Smiley says, "That's all right -- that's all right -- if you'll hold my box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog." And so the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down to wait.
So he set there a good while thinking and thinking to hisself, and then he got the frog out and prized his mouth open and took a tea-spoon and filled him full of quail34 shot -- filled him pretty near up to his chin -- and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around in the mud for a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says:
"Now if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with his fore-paws just even with Dan'l's, and I'll give the word." Then he says, "One -- two -- three -- jump!" and him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind, and the new frog hopped35 off, but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted up his shoulders -- so -- like a Frenchman, but it wasn't no use -- he couldn't budge36; he was planted as solid as an anvil37, and he couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smiley was a good deal surprised, and he was disgusted too, but he didn't have no idea what the matter was, of course.
The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulders -- thisway -- at Dan'l, and says again, very deliberate, "Well, I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog."Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan'l a long time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog throw'd off for -- I wonder if there ain't something the matter with him -- he 'pears to look mighty38 baggy39, somehow" -- and he ketched Dan'l by the nap of the neck, and lifted him up and says, "Why, blame my cats, if he don't weigh five pound!" -- and turned him upside down, and he belched40 out a double-handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the maddest man -- he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he never ketchd him. And---- [Here Simon Wheeler heard his name called from the front yard, and got up to go and see what was wanted.] And turning to me as he moved away, he said: "Just set where you are, stranger, and rest easy -- I an't going to be gone a second."But, by your leave, I did not think that a continuation of the history of the enterprising vagabond Jim Smiley would be likely to afford me much information concerning the Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and so I started away.
"Well, thish-yer Smiley had a yeller one-eyed cow that didn't have notail, only jest a short stump42 like a bannanner, and ""O, curse Smiley and his afflicted43 cow!" I muttered, good-naturedly, and bidding the old gentleman good-day, I departed.
Yours truely ,Mark Twain1865
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1
ward
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| n.守卫，监护，病房，行政区，由监护人或法院保护的人（尤指儿童）；vt.守护，躲开 | |
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2
garrulous
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| adj.唠叨的，多话的 | |
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3
lurking
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| 潜在 | |
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4
conjectured
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| 推测，猜测，猜想( conjecture的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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5
infamous
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| adj.声名狼藉的，臭名昭著的，邪恶的 | |
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6
dozing
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| v.打瞌睡,假寐 n.瞌睡 | |
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7
tavern
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| n.小旅馆，客栈；小酒店 | |
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8
simplicity
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| n.简单，简易；朴素；直率，单纯 | |
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9
tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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10
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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11
inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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12
rev
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| v.发动机旋转，加快速度 | |
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13
narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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14
tuned
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| adj.调谐的，已调谐的v.调音( tune的过去式和过去分词 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调 | |
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15
vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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16
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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17
finesse
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| n.精密技巧，灵巧，手腕 | |
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18
serenely
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| adv.安详地，宁静地，平静地 | |
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19
exquisitely
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| adv.精致地；强烈地；剧烈地；异常地 | |
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20
busted
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| adj. 破产了的，失败了的，被降级的，被逮捕的，被抓到的 动词bust的过去式和过去分词 | |
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21
exhorter
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| n.劝勉者，告诫者，提倡者 | |
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22
blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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23
mare
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| n.母马，母驴 | |
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24
asthma
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| n.气喘病，哮喘病 | |
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25
cavorting
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| v.跳跃( cavort的现在分词 ) | |
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26
cipher
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| n.零；无影响力的人；密码 | |
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27
hind
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| adj.后面的，后部的 | |
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28
thronged
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| v.成群，挤满( throng的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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29
dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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30
hunch
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| n.预感，直觉 | |
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31
wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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32
flop
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| n.失败(者)，扑通一声；vi.笨重地行动，沉重地落下 | |
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33
monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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34
quail
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| n.鹌鹑；vi.畏惧，颤抖 | |
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35
hopped
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| 跳上[下]( hop的过去式和过去分词 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花 | |
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36
budge
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| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
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37
anvil
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| n.铁钻 | |
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38
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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39
baggy
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| adj.膨胀如袋的，宽松下垂的 | |
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40
belched
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| v.打嗝( belch的过去式和过去分词 )；喷出，吐出；打（嗝）；嗳（气） | |
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41
sociable
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| adj.好交际的，友好的，合群的 | |
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42
stump
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| n.残株，烟蒂，讲演台；v.砍断，蹒跚而走 | |
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43
afflicted
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| 使受痛苦，折磨( afflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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