英语小幽默-2

My Father's Ashes

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing¹ there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.)

I Drop my Weight From Skipping

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure² for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds.  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)

Now We Run

A priest³ is walking down the street one day when he notices a  very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across  the street.  However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high  for him to reach.  After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest  moves closer to the boy's position.  He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the  little fellow and, placing his hand kindly⁴ on the child's  shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.   Crouching⁵ down to the child's level, the priest smiles  benevolently⁶ and asks, "And now what, my little man?"  To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" 

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A  woman is driving down the same road.  As they pass each  other, the woman leans out of the  window and yells⁷ "PIG!!"  The man immediately leans out of his window and replies,  "WITCH(女巫)!!"   They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds  the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of  the road. If only men would listen.

1 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

2 procedure   

n.程序，手续，步骤；常规的做法

参考例句：

• The results show clearly that this procedure is correct.事实充分说明这种做法是正确的。
• It has passed through an interesting procedure of evolution.它经过了一个有趣的进化过程。

3 priest   

n.神父，牧师，司铎，司祭，领导者，神甫；vt.使成为神职人员

参考例句：

• He confessed to a priest that he had sinned.他向神父忏悔他犯了罪。
• The priest visited all the old people in the parish.牧师探望了教区里的所有老人。

4 kindly   

adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地

参考例句：

• Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
• A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。

5 crouching   

v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• a hulking figure crouching in the darkness 黑暗中蹲伏着的一个庞大身影
• A young man was crouching by the table, busily searching for something. 一个年轻人正蹲在桌边翻看什么。 来自汉英文学 - 散文英译

6 benevolently   

adv.仁慈地，行善地

参考例句：

• She looked on benevolently. 她亲切地站在一边看着。 来自《简明英汉词典》

7 yells   

v.叫喊，号叫，叫着说( yell的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• The most savage yells of all came from the schoolchildren. 最野蛮的喊叫声来自那些学童。 来自英汉文学
• Dimes, dimes, "yells another, selling $ 10 vials of crack. 另一个卖瓶装克拉克的青年也在大声叫卖。 来自名作英译部分