A Friend in Need: Ways to Ease Loved Ones’ Grief

 A Friend in Need: Ways to Ease Loved Ones’ Grief

Anyone who’s lost a beloved family member, significant other, or friend is all too familiar with how wrenching—and often never-ending—the grieving process feels. Often, people in mourning are so consumed by their sadness that they lose sight of how to ask for help, or what to ask for. For these individuals’ relatives and friends standing¹ by, wanting to offer assistance but not knowing exactly what the grieving person needs most, this feeling of powerlessness, coupled with seeing their loved one suffer, can be devastating². But the last thing you should do is fade into the background just because your friend hasn’t actively³ solicited⁴ your aid. Instead, consider the following kind gestures.

Understanding Grief

Before you can lend a hand to a bereaved⁵ friend or family member, you’ll need to understand a little bit about the nature of grief itself. First and foremost, know that grieving is an unpredictable process, subject to extreme highs and lows, and each person grieves differently. The best thing you can do is observe your loved one’s particular way of grieving, know that it could change at any time, and accept it for what it is without questioning it—even if that person exhibits volatile⁶ behavior from time to time. In addition, allow the person in mourning to grieve as long as he or she needs to—emotional recovery from a death generally takes between eighteen and twenty-four months, but some people need even more time. Pressuring the bereaved person to “get over it” is an insensitive, unproductive approach.

What Can You Do to Help?

Learn to Listen Compassionately⁷

When facing a grieving friend or relative, many people feel pressure to “say the right thing.” But what’s more important than talking is listening to whatever the bereaved person would like to discuss; speaking openly about the person who’s passed away is an important way for the bereaved to keep the memory of his or her loved one alive, and to acknowledge that death is a natural part of life.

If the name of the deceased comes up in conversation, don’t try to change the subject, even if the grieving person becomes agitated⁸ or starts to cry; instead, ask questions that invite your friend to explore those feelings, and make it clear that she should feel free to be sad, angry, or confused in your presence. Conversely, if your friend doesn’t seem to want to talk but doesn’t want to be alone, either, don’t force her to speak, but rather offer nonverbal support through hand holding, hugs, and loving eye contact.

You may find that the bereaved needs to rehash the details of how her loved one died over and over; this repetition is a natural part of the healing process. Even if you’ve heard the story numerous times before, you should still be prepared to listen quietly and attentively⁹. This tactic¹⁰ is especially important if you’ve never lost a loved one yourself, since in that case, it’s best not to presume to know what the mourning person is feeling. On the other hand, if you have had a similar experience with loss, sharing your story might prove cathartic¹¹.

Pitch In with Daily Tasks

Even in their greatest time of need, many grieving people find it difficult to ask their friends and family members for assistance, as they don’t want to seem like a burden. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer to help with concrete, day-to-day tasks that may seem overwhelming to the bereaved at the moment. Make your overall availability known from the beginning by regularly asking, “Can I bring you anything?” or saying, “Please don’t hesitate to call me if you need something,” and then, even more important, don’t forget to follow up.

Useful ways you can lend a helping¹² hand include:

Make a casserole or other type of meal and drop it off at the bereaved person’s home.

Buy a bunch of groceries or offer to run other errands for the person.

Help take care of funeral arrangements, filling out paperwork, and other organizational projects as needed.

Clean the person’s house or do his or her laundry.

Offer to take care of his or her children and/or pets.

Get the person outdoors on a walk, a picnic, or a bike ride.

Provide Consistent Support in the Long Term

Often, the most difficult time for a grieving person is not immediately after her loved one’s death, but a week or so later, once the funeral has happened, the guests have left, and the flowers and sympathy cards have stopped pouring in. That’s when the bereaved person finds herself with no buffer¹³ between herself and the raw emotions she’s feeling. Now is the time when she’ll need her friends and family most, for months—and sometimes even years—to come.

Continue to make yourself available to the person in mourning through regular check-ins by phone or email, by inquiring how she’s doing, and by continuing to recount happy moments involving the deceased. The bereaved’s pain will likely lessen¹⁴ naturally over time, but will ebb¹⁵ and flow and occasionally become acute all over again, particularly on special occasions, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays. At such times of the year, try to be especially sensitive to your grieving loved one by sending cards, lending an ear when she needs to vent¹⁶, and inviting¹⁷ her to celebrations where she’ll be surrounded by caring people.

Be on the Lookout¹⁸ for Depression

Despite the fact that grief has many faces, its most common symptoms generally fade with time—but sometimes they intensify¹⁹. If, once the typical twenty-four-month mourning window has passed, your bereaved friend seems to not have made any progress toward emotional wellness, or actually seems to be in worse shape than she was when her loved one’s death occurred, she may have entered a clinical depression that requires professional or medical intervention²⁰. Warning signs to look out for include difficulty completing daily tasks; unrelenting bitterness; substance abuse; extreme social withdrawal²¹; self-harming or suicidal impulses; and lack of personal hygiene²². If your friend displays one or more of these behaviors, encourage her to consult a mental-health expert who can prescribe her antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication, if necessary, and to join a support group specializing in grief counseling or look for online groups.

Kindness Is Key

The loss of a loved one brings out all kinds of different emotions in us, and no two people mourn in quite the same way, but no one wants to go through the process alone. When you’re faced with a grieving friend or family member, it’s time to step up to the plate and offer consistent, long-term, nonjudgmental loving-kindness to help him or her get through this difficult time. No matter how uncomfortable death might make you, resist the urge to stand idly by while someone you love suffers. Whether you bake cookies, call every day, or just offer a shoulder to cry on, every little gesture helps.

1 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

2 devastating   

adj.毁灭性的，令人震惊的，强有力的

参考例句：

• It is the most devastating storm in 20 years.这是20年来破坏性最大的风暴。
• Affairs do have a devastating effect on marriages.婚外情确实会对婚姻造成毁灭性的影响。

3 actively   

adv.积极地，勤奋地

参考例句：

• During this period all the students were actively participating.在这节课中所有的学生都积极参加。
• We are actively intervening to settle a quarrel.我们正在积极调解争执。

4 solicited   

v.恳求( solicit的过去式和过去分词 )；（指娼妇）拉客；索求；征求

参考例句：

• He's already solicited their support on health care reform. 他已就医疗改革问题请求他们的支持。 来自辞典例句
• We solicited ideas from Princeton University graduates and under graduates. 我们从普林斯顿大学的毕业生与大学生中征求意见。 来自辞典例句

5 bereaved   

adj.刚刚丧失亲人的v.使失去（希望、生命等）( bereave的过去式和过去分词)；（尤指死亡）使丧失（亲人、朋友等）；使孤寂；抢走（财物）

参考例句：

• The ceremony was an ordeal for those who had been recently bereaved. 这个仪式对于那些新近丧失亲友的人来说是一种折磨。
• an organization offering counselling for the bereaved 为死者亲友提供辅导的组织

6 volatile   

adj.反复无常的，挥发性的，稍纵即逝的，脾气火爆的；n.挥发性物质

参考例句：

• With the markets being so volatile,investments are at great risk.由于市场那么变化不定，投资冒着很大的风险。
• His character was weak and volatile.他这个人意志薄弱，喜怒无常。

7 compassionately   

adv.表示怜悯地，有同情心地

参考例句：

• The man at her feet looked up at Scarlett compassionately. 那个躺在思嘉脚边的人同情地仰望着她。 来自飘（部分）
• Then almost compassionately he said,"You should be greatly rewarded." 接着他几乎带些怜悯似地说：“你是应当得到重重酬报的。” 来自辞典例句

8 agitated   

adj.被鼓动的，不安的

参考例句：

• His answers were all mixed up,so agitated was he.他是那样心神不定，回答全乱了。
• She was agitated because her train was an hour late.她乘坐的火车晚点一个小时，她十分焦虑。

9 attentively   

adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神

参考例句：

• She listened attentively while I poured out my problems. 我倾吐心中的烦恼时，她一直在注意听。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• She listened attentively and set down every word he said. 她专心听着，把他说的话一字不漏地记下来。 来自《简明英汉词典》

10 tactic   

n.战略，策略；adj.战术的，有策略的

参考例句：

• Reducing prices is a common sales tactic.降价是常用的销售策略。
• She had often used the tactic of threatening to resign.她惯用以辞职相威胁的手法。

11 cathartic   

adj.宣泄情绪的；n.泻剂

参考例句：

• His laughter was cathartic,an animal yelp that brought tears to his eyes.他哈哈大笑以宣泄情绪，声音如野兽般尖厉，眼泪都笑出来了。
• The drug had a cathartic effect.这药有导泻的作用。

12 helping   

n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的

参考例句：

• The poor children regularly pony up for a second helping of my hamburger. 那些可怜的孩子们总是要求我把我的汉堡包再给他们一份。
• By doing this, they may at times be helping to restore competition. 这样一来, 他在某些时候,有助于竞争的加强。

13 buffer   

n.起缓冲作用的人(或物)，缓冲器；vt.缓冲

参考例句：

• A little money can be a useful buffer in time of need.在急需时，很少一点钱就能解燃眉之急。
• Romantic love will buffer you against life's hardships.浪漫的爱会减轻生活的艰辛。

14 lessen   

vt.减少，减轻；缩小

参考例句：

• Regular exercise can help to lessen the pain.经常运动有助于减轻痛感。
• They've made great effort to lessen the noise of planes.他们尽力减小飞机的噪音。

15 ebb   

vi.衰退，减退；n.处于低潮，处于衰退状态

参考例句：

• The flood and ebb tides alternates with each other.涨潮和落潮交替更迭。
• They swam till the tide began to ebb.他们一直游到开始退潮。

16 vent   

n.通风口，排放口；开衩；vt.表达，发泄

参考例句：

• He gave vent to his anger by swearing loudly.他高声咒骂以发泄他的愤怒。
• When the vent became plugged,the engine would stop.当通风口被堵塞时，发动机就会停转。

17 inviting   

adj.诱人的，引人注目的

参考例句：

• An inviting smell of coffee wafted into the room.一股诱人的咖啡香味飘进了房间。
• The kitchen smelled warm and inviting and blessedly familiar.这间厨房的味道温暖诱人，使人感到亲切温馨。

18 lookout   

n.注意，前途，瞭望台

参考例句：

• You can see everything around from the lookout.从了望台上你可以看清周围的一切。
• It's a bad lookout for the company if interest rates don't come down.如果利率降不下来，公司的前景可就不妙了。

19 intensify   

vt.加强；变强；加剧

参考例句：

• We must intensify our educational work among our own troops.我们必须加强自己部队的教育工作。
• They were ordered to intensify their patrols to protect our air space.他们奉命加强巡逻，保卫我国的领空。

20 intervention   

n.介入，干涉，干预

参考例句：

• The government's intervention in this dispute will not help.政府对这场争论的干预不会起作用。
• Many people felt he would be hostile to the idea of foreign intervention.许多人觉得他会反对外来干预。

21 withdrawal   

n.取回，提款；撤退，撤军；收回，撤销

参考例句：

• The police were forced to make a tactical withdrawal.警方被迫进行战术撤退。
• They insisted upon a withdrawal of the statement and a public apology.他们坚持要收回那些话并公开道歉。

22 hygiene   

n.健康法，卫生学 （a.hygienic）

参考例句：

• Their course of study includes elementary hygiene and medical theory.他们的课程包括基础卫生学和医疗知识。
• He's going to give us a lecture on public hygiene.他要给我们作关于公共卫生方面的报告。