托福写作课堂常见错误举例分析

 　　我们先来看一道题目：

　　Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: For future success, relating well to others is more important than studying hard at school.

　　某学员的观点为Studying hard is more important for future success，并完成了以下的段落：

　　[Topic Sentence]First of all, studying hard at school can lay a good foundation. [Explanation] Medicine and law are both need long time to study’s subject. People should learn at least three years to have a basic recognition¹. [Example]For example, one day a man goes to the hospital. And the doctor who is curing the man says that I may not bring you a healthy body because I can get this job result from my friend. Actually I am not good at it. So I have a question is if you meet a doctor just like this, what would you do? And what would you think about it? This type of people cannot be allowed to appear in the society. It is an opposite instance.

　　虽然此段的结构很清晰，但是在内容层面，还是有很多常见的托福写作错误发生：

　　1. 解释与主题句逻辑联系不紧密。解释的精髓在于将主题句的抽象概念进行第一层次的具体化，并起到把主题与例子联系起来的桥梁作用。但是，以上文段当中问题比较明显。首先，主题句中的要点在于hard，而解释的部分却表达了long time. 时间长跟努不努力没有关系。

　　Problematic: Medicine and law are both need long time to study’s subject. People should learn at least three years to have a basic recognition.

　　Revised: The success of many elites² in different fields[埋下伏笔，为例子做铺垫] is the result of unrelenting efforts[同义改写，呼应主题句] in their school days.

　　2. 例证欠缺说服力差。例子需要围绕主题句和解释部分的逻辑展开，比如这道题，最核心的逻辑链条便是由studying hard带来的success。作者想用一个反例来说明如果不好好学习，能力不够是没法在社会上生存的。但是在表达方式上过于口语化，而且语言质量不高。

　　Problematic: For example, one day a man goes to the hospital. And the doctor who is curing the man says that I may not bring you a healthy body because I can get this job result from my friend. Actually I am not good at it. So I have a question is if you meet a doctor just like this, what would you do? And what would you think about it? This type of people cannot be allowed to appear in the society. It is an opposite instance.

　　Revised: Doctors serve as an excellent example. [正例]In order to become successful doctors, medical students must read thousands of professional books and papers at school, take numerous tests and spend long hours in the laboratory. No one can deny that hard work at school greatly contributes to their reputation and expertise³. Patients will be more comfortable receiving medical treatment from these doctors. [反例]Conversely, no one is willing to see a doctor who is poor in academics but good at establishing social connections.

　　除了内容方面，还有些键盘操作和页面布局的常见问题：

　　1. Insert键

　　学员们都会使用“Backspace”(退格键)删除光标前错误的字符，或“Delete”(删除键)删除光标后的错误字符。不过，如果碰到了夹在 “Backspace键”和“Delete键”之间的“Insert键”后，键盘输入模式变为“改写”，即，新输入的内容会覆盖掉光标以后的内容。

　　如果想解除“改写”其实也很简单，再次按下Insert键即可还原为“插入”。这个看似简单的操作，在实际操作中难倒了很多同学。

　　2. 空格

　　学生在实际键盘输入的过程中，惯常的在标点符号，尤其是逗号和句号之后并不空格，而直接继续输入下面的内容，或者先空格，然后在敲标点符号，这都是典型的输入格式错误。

　　We work hard for brighter future, and our parents always support us.√

　　We work hard for brighter future,and our parents always support us.×

　　We work hard for brighter future ,and our parents always support us.×

　　3. 段落开头的格式

　　英文段落开头的格式分为两种，缩进式和齐头式。

　　缩进式：英文段落开头的缩进式与现代汉语的段落开头很相似。在段落开头第一个单词之前空出4至8个字符。采用这种方式的文章，段落与段落之间不用空行。

1 recognition   

n.承认，认可，认出，认识

参考例句：

• The place has changed beyond recognition.这地方变得认不出来了。
• A sudden smile of recognition flashed across his face.他脸上掠过一丝笑意，表示认识对方。

2 elites   

精华( elite的名词复数 )； 精锐； 上层集团； （统称）掌权人物

参考例句：

• The elites are by their nature a factor contributing to underdevelopment. 这些上层人物天生是助长欠发达的因素。
• Elites always detest gifted and nimble outsiders. 社会名流对天赋聪明、多才多艺的局外人一向嫌恶。

3 expertise   

n.专门知识(或技能等)，专长

参考例句：

• We were amazed at his expertise on the ski slopes.他斜坡滑雪的技能使我们赞叹不已。
• You really have the technical expertise in a new breakthrough.让你真正在专业技术上有一个全新的突破。