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经典父爱美文欣赏:In praise of hugs父亲的拥抱:在距离和情感上远离冷漠的父亲成长, 意味着凯瑟琳·伯德特常常怀疑父亲对她的感情, 直到他弥留的那几天……
Growing up at a distance – geographical1 and emotional – from her chilly2 father meant Katherine Burdett always doubted his feelings for her. Until his final few days…
By Katherine Burdett
I grew up bereft3 of hugs. Neither of my parents was the cuddly4 type. Greetings involving kissing caused me to wince5, and hugging generally just made me feel awkward.
Then one hug changed all that. One month before my 40th birthday my dad had heart surgery. As he came round, days later, he grabbed me and hugged me so hard I had to push with all my might to keep my head from pressing down on his newly stitched torso.
It was a hug to make up for all those we had never had. Days later as he slowly started to gain strength he told me for the first time ever that he loved me, and through my tears I told him I loved him too.
I began planning how to bake him better – with carrot cakes, victoria sponges, jelly and ice cream. My maternal6 streak7 kicked in and I fantasised about wheeling him through the park and feeding him home-made goodies. Then he died.
I felt cheated. All my life I had wondered whether my dad cared for me and loved me – I doubted it. Just as I got proof that he did, he passed away.
My parents split up when I was two years old and, while I had monthly contact with my dad, my bitter stepmother and my father's old-fashioned stiff upper lip meant we never became close. In fact, I used to dread8 the visits to see him and count the hours until I could go home again.
When I was very little the weekends at my father's house felt cold and unfriendly. During my teens the trips to a hostile house became a dread on the horizon for weeks beforehand. Each stay culminated9 in an uncomfortable peck on the cheek from Dad as he said goodbye – a moment I cringed about for hours in advance.
And yet standing10 beside the hospital bed watching the life ebb11 from my sleeping father was painful. I felt like a little girl at his bedside, unable to talk to him yet again. I became fixated with his fingers – fat and soft, lying gently curled beside him. Slowly they transformed from plump sausages to stone – white and immovable. It was his fingers that told me he had gone from this life, not the bleeping of monitors or the bustling12 of nursing staff.
Losing a father whom you have no recollection of ever living with is difficult. Grieving is tricky13; I didn't have any obvious close father-daughter memories to cling to and mull and cry over. Most of my memories were of stilted14 meetings and uncomfortable times together. But I desperately15 missed him being alive.
As time moved on my grief and anger at his untimely death began to recede16. I realised that his affirmation of me from his deathbed had filled a gaping17 hole of insecurity I had constantly carried around.
To a child a hug says so many things. It tells you that the person hugging you loves you, cares for you. A hug also confirms that you are a lovable being. Months after Dad's death I realised with a jolt18 that his lack of hugs said more about him than me. My father was not a demonstrative man and I was, therefore, perhaps, a lovable being.
Once I digested this insight my feelings changed from those of a needy19 child to ones of a very proud daughter. Looking at my father more objectively allowed me to view him clearly: he was a man of few words; he was intelligent, kind and extremely modest. Ironically I began to feel closer to him in death than I had while he was alive.
With this new-found wisdom came the freedom to give up trying so very hard to gain the affections of others and to concentrate on finding me. I shattered the family taboo20 of silence about the break-up of my parents' marriage. I also felt the need to speak out about the detrimental21 effect I felt my step-parents had had on my life.
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1 geographical | |
adj.地理的;地区(性)的 | |
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2 chilly | |
adj.凉快的,寒冷的 | |
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3 bereft | |
adj.被剥夺的 | |
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4 cuddly | |
adj.抱着很舒服的,可爱的 | |
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5 wince | |
n.畏缩,退避,(因痛苦,苦恼等)面部肌肉抽动;v.畏缩,退缩,退避 | |
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6 maternal | |
adj.母亲的,母亲般的,母系的,母方的 | |
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7 streak | |
n.条理,斑纹,倾向,少许,痕迹;v.加条纹,变成条纹,奔驰,快速移动 | |
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8 dread | |
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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9 culminated | |
v.达到极点( culminate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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10 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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11 ebb | |
vi.衰退,减退;n.处于低潮,处于衰退状态 | |
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12 bustling | |
adj.喧闹的 | |
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13 tricky | |
adj.狡猾的,奸诈的;(工作等)棘手的,微妙的 | |
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14 stilted | |
adj.虚饰的;夸张的 | |
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15 desperately | |
adv.极度渴望地,绝望地,孤注一掷地 | |
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16 recede | |
vi.退(去),渐渐远去;向后倾斜,缩进 | |
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17 gaping | |
adj.口的;张口的;敞口的;多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 );张开,张大 | |
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18 jolt | |
v.(使)摇动,(使)震动,(使)颠簸 | |
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19 needy | |
adj.贫穷的,贫困的,生活艰苦的 | |
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20 taboo | |
n.禁忌,禁止接近,禁止使用;adj.禁忌的;v.禁忌,禁制,禁止 | |
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21 detrimental | |
adj.损害的,造成伤害的 | |
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22 dire | |
adj.可怕的,悲惨的,阴惨的,极端的 | |
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23 adulthood | |
n.成年,成人期 | |
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