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It Can't Happen Here
by Sinclair Lewis
Chapter 24
He could not decide whether Emil Staubmeyer, and through him Shad Ledue, knew that he had tried to escape. Did Staubmeyer really look more knowing, or did he just imagine it? What the deuce had Emil meant when he said, "I hear the roads aren't so good up north--not so good!" Whether they knew or not, it was grinding that he should have to shiver lest an illiterate1 roustabout like Shad Ledue find out that he desired to go to Canada, while a ruler-slapper like Staubmeyer, a Squeers with certificates in "pedagogy," should now be able to cuff2 grown men instead of urchins3 and should be editor of the Informer! Doremus's Informer! Staubmeyer! That human blackboard!
Daily Doremus found it more cramping4, more instantly stirring to fury, to write anything mentioning Windrip. His private office--the cheerfully rattling5 linotype room--the shouting pressroom with its smell of ink that to him hitherto had been like the smell of grease paint to an actor--they were hateful now, and choking. Not even Lorinda's faith, not even Sissy's jibes6 and Buck's stories, could rouse him to hope.
He rejoiced the more, therefore, when his son Philip telephoned him from Worcester: "Be home Sunday? Merilla's in New York, gadding7, and I'm all alone here. Thought I'd just drive up for the day and see how things are in your neck of the woods."
"Come on! Splendid! So long since we've seen you. I'll have your mother start a pot of beans right away!"
Doremus was happy. Not for some time did his cursed two-way-mindedness come to weaken his joy, as he wondered whether it wasn't just a myth held over from boyhood that Philip really cared so much for Emma's beans and brown bread; and wondered just why it was that Up-to-Date Americans like Philip always used the long-distance telephone rather than undergo the dreadful toil8 of dictating9 a letter a day or two earlier. It didn't really seem so efficient, the old-fashioned village editor reflected, to spend seventy-five cents on a telephone call in order to save five cents' worth of time.
"Oh hush10! Anyway, I'll be delighted to see the boy! I'll bet there isn't a smarter young lawyer in Worcester. There's one member of the family that's a real success!"
He was a little shocked when Philip came, like a one-man procession, into the living room, late on Saturday afternoon. He had been forgetting how bald this upstanding young advocate was growing even at thirty-four. And it seemed to him that Philip was a little heavy and senatorial in speech and a bit too cordial.
"By Jove, Dad, you don't know how good it is to be back in the old digs. Mother and the girls upstairs? By Jove, sir, that was a horrible business, the killing11 of poor Fowler. Horrible! I was simply horrified12. There must have been a mistake somewhere, because Judge Swan has a wonderful reputation for scrupulousness13."
"There was no mistake. Swan is a fiend. Literally14!" Doremus sounded less paternal15 than when he had first bounded up to shake hands with the beloved prodigal16.
"Really? We must talk it over. I'll see if there can't be a stricter investigation17. Swan? Really! We'll certainly go into the whole business. But first I must just skip upstairs and give Mammy a good smack18, and Mary and Little Sis."
And that was the last time that Philip mentioned Effingham Swan or any "stricter investigation" of the acts thereof. All afternoon he was relentlessly19 filial and fraternal, and he smiled like an automobile20 salesman when Sissy griped at him, "What's the idea of all the tender hand-dusting, Philco?"
Doremus and he were not alone till nearly midnight.
They sat upstairs in the sacred study. Philip lighted one of Doremus's excellent cigars as though he were a cinema actor playing the role of a man lighting21 an excellent cigar, and breathed amiably22:
"Well, sir, this is an excellent cigar! It certainly is excellent!"
"Why not?"
"Oh, I just mean--I was just appreciating it--"
"What is it, Phil? There's something on your mind. Shoot! Not rowing with Merilla, are you?"
"Certainly not! Most certainly not! Oh, I don't approve of everything Merry does--she's a little extravagant--but she's got a heart of gold, and let me tell you, Pater, there isn't a young society woman in Worcester that makes a nicer impression on everybody, especially at nice dinner parties."
"Well then? Let's have it, Phil. Something serious?"
"Ye-es, I'm afraid there is. Look, Dad. . . . Oh, do sit down and be comfortable! . . . I've been awfully23 perturbed24 to hear that you've, uh, that you're in slightly bad odor with some of the authorities."
"You mean the Corpos?"
"Naturally! Who else?"
"Maybe I don't recognize 'em as authorities."
"Oh, listen, Pater, please don't joke tonight! I'm serious. As a matter fact, I hear you're more than just 'slightly' in wrong with them."
"And who may your informant be?"
"Oh, just letters--old school friends. Now you aren't really pro-Corpo, are you?"
"How did you ever guess?"
"Well, I've been--I didn't vote for Windrip, personally, but I begin to see where I was wrong. I can see now that he has not only great personal magnetism25, but real constructive26 power--real sure-enough statesmanship. Some say it's Lee Sarason's doing, but don't you believe it for a minute. Look at all Buzz did back in his home state, before he ever teamed up with Sarason! And some say Windrip is crude. Well, so were Lincoln and Jackson. Now what I think of Windrip--"
"The only thing you ought to think of Windrip is that his gangsters27 murdered your fine brother-in-law! And plenty of other men just as good. Do you condone28 such murders?"
"No! Certainly not! How can you suggest such a thing, Dad! No one abhors29 violence more than I do. Still, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs--"
"Hell and damnation!"
"Why, Pater!"
"Don't call me 'Pater'! If I ever hear that 'can't make an omelet' phrase again, I'll start doing a little murder myself! It's used to justify30 every atrocity31 under every despotism, Fascist32 or Nazi33 or Communist or American labor34 war. Omelet! Eggs! By God, sir, men's souls and blood are not eggshells for tyrants35 to break!"
"Oh, sorry, sir. I guess maybe the phrase is a little shopworn! I just mean to say--I'm just trying to figure this situation out realistically!"
"'Realistically'! That's another buttered bun to excuse murder!"
"But honestly, you know--horrible things do happen, thanks to the imperfection of human nature, but you can forgive the means if the end is a rejuvenated36 nation that--"
"I can do nothing of the kind! I can never forgive evil and lying and cruel means, and still less can I forgive fanatics37 that use that for an excuse! If I may imitate Romain Rolland, a country that tolerates evil means--evil manners, standards of ethics--for a generation, will be so poisoned that it never will have any good end. I'm just curious, but do you know how perfectly38 you're quoting every Bolshevik apologist that sneers39 at decency40 and kindness and truthfulness41 in daily dealings as 'bourgeois42 morality'? I hadn't understood that you'd gone quite so Marxo-materialistic!"
"I! Marxian! Good God!" Doremus was pleased to see that he had stirred his son out of his if-your-honor-please smugness. "Why, one of the things I most admire about the Corpos is that, as I know, absolutely--I have reliable information from Washington--they have saved us from a simply ghastly invasion by red agents of Moscow--Communists pretending to be decent labor-leaders!"
"Not really!" (Had the fool forgotten that his father was a newspaperman and not likely to be impressed by "reliable information from Washington"?)
"Really! And to be realistic--sorry, sir, if you don't like the word, but to be--to be--"
"In fact, to be realistic!"
"Well, yes, then!"
(Doremus recalled such tempers in Philip from years ago. Had he been wise, after all, to restrain himself from the domestic pleasure of licking the brat43?)
"The whole point is that Windrip, or anyway the Corpos, are here to stay, Pater, and we've got to base our future actions not on some desired Utopia but on what we really and truly have. And think of what they've actually done! Just, for example, how they've removed the advertising44 billboards45 from the highways, and ended unemployment, and their simply stupendous feat46 in getting rid of all crime!"
"Good God!"
"Pardon me--what y' say, Dad?"
"Nothing! Nothing! Go on!"
"But I begin to see now that the Corpo gains haven't been just material but spiritual."
"Eh?"
"Really! They've revitalized the whole country. Formerly47 we had gotten pretty sordid48, just thinking about material possessions and comforts--about electric refrigeration and television and air-conditioning. Kind of lost the sturdiness that characterized our pioneer ancestors. Why, ever so many young men were refusing to take military drill, and the discipline and will power and good-fellowship that you only get from military training--Oh, pardon me! I forgot you were a pacifist."
Doremus grimly muttered, "Not any more!"
"Of course there must be any number of things we can't agree on, Dad. But after all, as a publicist you ought to listen to the Voice of Youth."
"You? Youth? You're not youth. You're two thousand years old, mentally. You date just about 100 B.C. in your fine new imperialistic49 theories!"
"No, but you must listen, Dad! Why do you suppose I came clear up here from Worcester just to see you?"
"God only knows!"
"I want to make myself clear. Before Windrip, we'd been lying down in America, while Europe was throwing off all her bonds--both monarchy50 and this antiquated51 parliamentary-democratic-liberal system that really means rule by professional politicians and by egotistic 'intellectuals.' We've got to catch up to Europe again--got to expand--it's the rule of life. A nation, like a man, has to go ahead or go backward. Always!"
"I know, Phil. I used to write that same thing in those same words, back before 1914!"
"Did you? Well, anyway--Got to expand! Why, what we ought to do is to grab all of Mexico, and maybe Central America, and a good big slice of China. Why, just on their own behalf we ought to do it, misgoverned the way they are! Maybe I'm wrong but--"
"Impossible!"
"--Windrip and Sarason and Dewey Haik and Macgoblin, all those fellows, they're big--they're making me stop and think! And now to come down to my errand here--"
"You think I ought to run the Informer according to Corpo theology!"
"Why--why yes! That was approximately what I was going to say. (I just don't see why you haven't been more reasonable about this whole thing--you with your quick mind!) After all, the time for selfish individualism is gone. We've got to have mass action. One for all and all for one--"
"Philip, would you mind telling me what the deuce you're really heading toward? Cut the cackle!"
"Well, since you insist--to 'cut the cackle,' as you call it--not very politely, seems to me, seeing I've taken the trouble to come clear up from Worcester!--I have reliable information that you're going to get into mighty52 serious trouble if you don't stop opposing--or at least markedly failing to support--the government."
"All right. What of it? It's my serious trouble!"
"That's just the point! It isn't! I do think that just for once in your life you might think of Mother and the girls, instead of always of your own selfish 'ideas' that you're so proud of! In a crisis like this, it just isn't funny any longer to pose as a quaint53 'liberal.'"
Doremus's voice was like a firecracker. "Cut the cackle, I told you! What you after? What's the Corpo gang to you?"
"I have been approached in regard to the very high honor of an assistant military judgeship, but your attitude, as my father--"
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1
illiterate
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| adj.文盲的；无知的；n.文盲 | |
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cuff
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| n.袖口；手铐；护腕；vt.用手铐铐；上袖口 | |
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urchins
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| n.顽童( urchin的名词复数 )；淘气鬼；猬；海胆 | |
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cramping
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| 图像压缩 | |
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rattling
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| adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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jibes
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| n.与…一致( jibe的名词复数 )；（与…）相符；相匹配v.与…一致( jibe的第三人称单数 )；（与…）相符；相匹配 | |
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7
gadding
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| n.叮搔症adj.蔓生的v.闲逛( gad的现在分词 )；游荡；找乐子；用铁棒刺 | |
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toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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dictating
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| v.大声讲或读( dictate的现在分词 )；口授；支配；摆布 | |
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hush
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| int.嘘，别出声；n.沉默，静寂；v.使安静 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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13
scrupulousness
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| n.一丝不苟；小心翼翼 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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prodigal
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| adj.浪费的，挥霍的，放荡的 | |
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investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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18
smack
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| vt.拍，打，掴；咂嘴；vi.含有…意味；n.拍 | |
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relentlessly
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| adv.不屈不挠地；残酷地；不间断 | |
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automobile
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| n.汽车，机动车 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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amiably
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| adv.和蔼可亲地，亲切地 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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perturbed
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| adj.烦燥不安的v.使（某人）烦恼，不安( perturb的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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25
magnetism
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| n.磁性，吸引力，磁学 | |
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constructive
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| adj.建设的，建设性的 | |
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gangsters
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| 匪徒，歹徒( gangster的名词复数 ) | |
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condone
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| v.宽恕；原谅 | |
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29
abhors
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| v.憎恶( abhor的第三人称单数 )；（厌恶地）回避；拒绝；淘汰 | |
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30
justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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atrocity
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| n.残暴，暴行 | |
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32
fascist
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| adj.法西斯主义的；法西斯党的；n.法西斯主义者，法西斯分子 | |
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Nazi
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| n.纳粹分子，adj.纳粹党的，纳粹的 | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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35
tyrants
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| 专制统治者( tyrant的名词复数 )； 暴君似的人； （古希腊的）僭主； 严酷的事物 | |
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rejuvenated
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| 更生的 | |
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fanatics
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| 狂热者，入迷者( fanatic的名词复数 ) | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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39
sneers
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| 讥笑的表情（言语）( sneer的名词复数 ) | |
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40
decency
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| n.体面，得体，合宜，正派，庄重 | |
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truthfulness
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| n. 符合实际 | |
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42
bourgeois
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| adj./n.追求物质享受的(人)；中产阶级分子 | |
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43
brat
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| n.孩子；顽童 | |
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44
advertising
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| n.广告业；广告活动 a.广告的；广告业务的 | |
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45
billboards
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| n.广告牌( billboard的名词复数 ) | |
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46
feat
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| n.功绩；武艺，技艺；adj.灵巧的，漂亮的，合适的 | |
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47
formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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48
sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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49
imperialistic
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| 帝国主义的，帝制的 | |
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50
monarchy
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| n.君主，最高统治者；君主政体，君主国 | |
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51
antiquated
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| adj.陈旧的，过时的 | |
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52
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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53
quaint
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| adj.古雅的，离奇有趣的，奇怪的 | |
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54
parental
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| adj.父母的；父的；母的 | |
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traitor
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| n.叛徒，卖国贼 | |
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