2-43

 

43.

Upon reaching the top of the world, the four wounded soldiers uncorked a bottle of champagneand drank to Granny. They were kind enough to phone me and let me listen to their joy.

They’d set a world record, raised a truckload of cash for wounded veterans, and reached thebloody North Pole. What a coup¹. I congratulated them, told them I missed them, wished I could’vebeen there.

A white lie. My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized.

The last place I wanted to be was Frostnipistan.

I’d been trying some home remedies, including one recommended by a friend. She’d urged meto apply Elizabeth Arden cream.

My mum used that on her lips. You want me to put that on my todger?

It works, Harry². Trust me.

I found a tube, and the minute I opened it the smell transported me through time. I felt as if mymother was right there in the room.

Then I took a smidge and applied³ it…down there.

“Weird” doesn’t really do the feeling justice.

I needed to see a doctor, ASAP. But I couldn’t ask the Palace to find me one. Some courtierwould get wind of my condition and leak it to the press and the next thing I knew my todgerwould be all over the front pages. I also couldn’t just call a doctor on my own, at random⁴. Undernormal circumstances that would be impossible, but now it was doubly so. Hi, Prince Harry here—listen, I seem to be having a spot of bother with my nether⁵ regions and I was just wondering if Icould pop around and…

I asked another mate to find me, very discreetly⁶, a dermatologist⁷ who specialized⁸ in certainappendages…and certain personages. Tall order.

But the mate came back and said his father knew just the bloke. He gave me a name andaddress and I jumped into a car with my bodyguards¹⁰. We sped to a nondescript building on HarleyStreet, where lots of doctors were housed. One bodyguard⁹ snuck me through a back door, into anoffice. I saw the doctor, seated behind a big wooden desk, making notes, presumably about theprevious patient. Without looking up from his notes he said, Yes, yes, do come in.

I walked in, watched him writing for what seemed an inordinately¹¹ long time. The poor chapwho went before me, I thought, must have had a lot going on.

Still not looking up, the doctor ordered me to step behind the curtain, take off my clothes, he’dbe with me in a moment.

I went behind, stripped, hopped¹² onto the examination table. Five minutes passed.

At last the curtain pulled back and there was the doctor.

He looked at me, blinked once, and said: Oh. I see. It’s you.

Yes. I thought you’d been warned, but I get the sense you hadn’t.

Right. So, you’re here. Riiight. OK. It’s you. Hm. Remind me of the problem?

I showed him my todger, softened¹³ by Elizabeth Arden.

He couldn’t see anything.

Nothing to see, I explained. It was an invisible scourge¹⁴. For whatever reason, my particularcase of frostnip manifested as greatly heightened sensation…How did this happen? he wanted to know.

North Pole, I told him. I went to the North Pole and now my South Pole is on the fritz.

His face said: Curiouser and curiouser.

I described the cascading¹⁵ dysfunctions. Everything’s difficult, Doctor. Sitting. Walking. Sex, Iadded, was out of the question. Worse, my todger constantly felt like it was having sex. Or readyto. I was sort of losing it, I told him. I’d made the mistake of googling this injury, and I’d readhorror stories about partial penectomies, a phrase you never want to come across when googlingyour symptoms.

The doctor assured me it was unlikely I’d need one of those.

Unlikely?

He said he was going to try to rule out other things. He gave me a full examination, which wasmore than invasive. No stone unturned, so to speak.

The likeliest cure, he announced at last, would be time.

What do you mean? Time?

Time, he said, heals.

Really, Doc? That hasn’t been my experience.

 

1 coup   

n.政变；突然而成功的行动

参考例句：

• The monarch was ousted by a military coup.那君主被军事政变者废黜了。
• That government was overthrown in a military coup three years ago.那个政府在3年前的军事政变中被推翻。

2 harry   

vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼

参考例句：

• Today,people feel more hurried and harried.今天，人们感到更加忙碌和苦恼。
• Obama harried business by Healthcare Reform plan.奥巴马用医改掠夺了商界。

3 applied   

adj.应用的；v.应用，适用

参考例句：

• She plans to take a course in applied linguistics.她打算学习应用语言学课程。
• This cream is best applied to the face at night.这种乳霜最好晚上擦脸用。

4 random   

adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动

参考例句：

• The list is arranged in a random order.名单排列不分先后。
• On random inspection the meat was found to be bad.经抽查，发现肉变质了。

5 nether   

adj.下部的，下面的；n.阴间；下层社会

参考例句：

• This terracotta army well represents his ambition yet to be realized in the nether-world.这一批兵马俑很可能代表他死后也要去实现的雄心。
• He was escorted back to the nether regions of Main Street.他被护送回中央大道南面的地方。

6 discreetly   

ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地

参考例句：

• He had only known the perennial widow, the discreetly expensive Frenchwoman. 他只知道她是个永远那么年轻的寡妇，一个很会讲排场的法国女人。
• Sensing that Lilian wanted to be alone with Celia, Andrew discreetly disappeared. 安德鲁觉得莉莲想同西莉亚单独谈些什么，有意避开了。

7 dermatologist   

n.皮肤科医师

参考例句：

• I think you should see a dermatologist first.我想你应当先看皮肤科大夫。
• The general practitioner referred her patient to a dermatologist.家庭医生把她的病人交给了皮肤科医生。

8 specialized   

adj.专门的，专业化的

参考例句：

• There are many specialized agencies in the United Nations.联合国有许多专门机构。
• These tools are very specialized.这些是专用工具。

9 bodyguard   

n.护卫，保镖

参考例句：

• She has to have an armed bodyguard wherever she goes.她不管到哪儿都得有带武器的保镖跟从。
• The big guy standing at his side may be his bodyguard.站在他身旁的那个大个子可能是他的保镖。

10 bodyguards   

n.保镖，卫士，警卫员( bodyguard的名词复数 )

参考例句：

• Brooks came to Jim's office accompanied—like always—by his two bodyguards. 和往常一样，在两名保镖的陪同下，布鲁克斯去吉姆的办公室。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• Three of his bodyguards were injured in the attack. 在这次袭击事件中，他有3名保镖受了伤。 来自辞典例句

11 inordinately   

adv.无度地，非常地

参考例句：

• But if you are determined to accumulate wealth, it isn't inordinately difficult. 不过，如果你下决心要积累财富，事情也不是太难。 来自互联网
• She was inordinately smart. 她非常聪明。 来自互联网

12 hopped   

跳上[下]( hop的过去式和过去分词 )； 单足蹦跳； 齐足（或双足）跳行； 摘葎草花

参考例句：

• He hopped onto a car and wanted to drive to town. 他跳上汽车想开向市区。
• He hopped into a car and drove to town. 他跳进汽车，向市区开去。

13 softened   

（使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰

参考例句：

• His smile softened slightly. 他的微笑稍柔和了些。
• The ice cream softened and began to melt. 冰淇淋开始变软并开始融化。

14 scourge   

n.灾难，祸害；v.蹂躏

参考例句：

• Smallpox was once the scourge of the world.天花曾是世界的大患。
• The new boss was the scourge of the inefficient.新老板来了以后，不称职的人就遭殃了。

15 cascading   

流注( cascade的现在分词 )； 大量落下； 大量垂悬； 梯流

参考例句：

• First of all, cascading menus are to be avoided at all costs. 首先，无论如何都要避免使用级联菜单。 来自About Face 3交互设计精髓
• Her sounds began cascading gently. 他的声音开始缓缓地低落下来。