2-71

 

71.

March 2014. A concert at Wembley Arena¹. Walking onstage I suffered the typical panic attack. Imade my way to the center, clenched² my fists, spat³ out the speech. There were fourteen thousandyoung faces before me, gathered for We Day. Maybe I’d have been less nervous if I’dconcentrated more on them, but I was having a proper Me Day, thinking about the last time I’dgiven a speech under this roof.

Tenth anniversary of Mummy’s death.

I’d been nervous then too. But not like this.

I hurried off. Wiping the shine from my face, and staggering up to my seat to join Cress.

She saw me and blanched⁴. You OK?

Yeah, yeah.

But she knew.

We watched the other speakers. That is, she watched, I tried to catch my breath.

The next morning our photo was in all the papers and splashed online. Someone tipped off theroyal correspondents to where we were sitting, and at long last we were outed. After nearly twoyears of secretly dating, we were revealed to be a couple.

Odd, we said, that it should be such big news. We’d been photographed before, skiing inVerbier. But these photos landed differently, maybe because this was the first time she’d joined meat a royal engagement.

As a result, we became less clandestine⁵, and that felt like a plus. Several days later we went toTwickenham, watched England play Wales, got papped, and didn’t even bother to talk about it.

Soon after, we left on a skiing holiday with friends, to Kazakhstan, got papped again, and didn’teven know. We were too distracted. Skiing was so sacred for us, so symbolic⁶, especially after ourprevious skiing holiday, in Switzerland, when she’d miraculously⁷ opened me up.

It happened late one night, after a long day on the slopes, and a fun time at après-ski. We’dgone back to my cousin’s chalet, where we were staying, and Cress was washing her face,brushing her teeth, while I was sitting on the edge of the bath. We were talking about nothingspecial, as I recall, but suddenly she asked about my mother.

Unique. A girlfriend asking about my mother. But it was also the way she asked. Her tone wasjust the right blend of curiosity and compassion⁸. The way she reacted to my answer was just righttoo. Surprised, concerned, with no judgment⁹.

Maybe other factors were at play as well. The alchemy of physical fatigue¹⁰ and Swisshospitality. The fresh air and alcohol. Maybe it was the softly falling snow outside the windows,or the culmination¹¹ of seventeen years of suppressed grief. Maybe it was maturity¹². Whatever thereason or combination of reasons, I answered her, straight-out, and then started to cry.

I remember thinking: Oh, I’m crying.

And saying to her: This is the first time I’ve…Cressida leaned towards me: What do you mean…first time?

This is the first time I’ve been able to cry about my mum since the burial.

Wiping my eyes, I thanked her. She was the first person to help me across that barrier, to helpme unleash¹³ the tears. It was cathartic¹⁴, it accelerated our bond, and added an element rare in pastrelationships: immense gratitude¹⁵. I was indebted to Cress, and that was the reason why, when wegot home from Kazakhstan, I felt so miserable¹⁶, because at some point during that ski trip I’drealized that we weren’t a match.

I just knew. Cress, I think, knew as well. There was massive affection, deep and abidingloyalty—but not love everlasting¹⁷. She was always clear about not wanting to take on the stressesof being a royal, and I was never sure I wanted to ask her to do so, and this unalterable fact,though it had been lurking¹⁸ in the background for some time, became undeniable on those Kazakhslopes.

Suddenly it was clear. This can’t work.

How odd, I thought. Every time we go skiing…a revelation.

The day after we got home from Kazakhstan I phoned a mate, who was also close with Cress. Itold him about my feelings and asked for advice. Without hesitation¹⁹ the mate said that if it wasdone it must be done quickly. So I drove straight over to see Cress.

She was staying with a friend. Her bedroom was on the ground floor, windows looking ontothe street. I heard cars and people going by as I sat gingerly on the bed and told her my thinking.

She nodded. None of it seemed to surprise her. These things had been on her mind as well.

I’ve learned so much from you, Cress.

She nodded. She looked at the floor, tears running down her cheeks.

Damn, I thought.

She helped me cry. And now I’m leaving her in tears.

 

1 arena   

n.竞技场，运动场所；竞争场所，舞台

参考例句：

• She entered the political arena at the age of 25. 她25岁进入政界。
• He had not an adequate arena for the exercise of his talents.他没有充分发挥其才能的场所。

2 clenched   

v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• He clenched his fists in anger. 他愤怒地攥紧了拳头。
• She clenched her hands in her lap to hide their trembling. 她攥紧双手放在腿上，以掩饰其颤抖。 来自《简明英汉词典》

3 spat   

n.口角，掌击；v.发出呼噜呼噜声

参考例句：

• Her parents always have spats.她的父母经常有些小的口角。
• There is only a spat between the brother and sister.那只是兄妹间的小吵小闹。

4 blanched   

v.使变白( blanch的过去式 )；使（植物）不见阳光而变白；酸洗（金属）使有光泽；用沸水烫（杏仁等）以便去皮

参考例句：

• The girl blanched with fear when she saw the bear coming. 那女孩见熊（向她）走来，吓得脸都白了。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• Their faces blanched in terror. 他们的脸因恐惧而吓得发白。 来自《简明英汉词典》

5 clandestine   

adj.秘密的，暗中从事的

参考例句：

• She is the director of clandestine operations of the CIA.她是中央情报局秘密行动的负责人。
• The early Christians held clandestine meetings in caves.早期的基督徒在洞穴中秘密聚会。

6 symbolic   

adj.象征性的，符号的，象征主义的

参考例句：

• It is symbolic of the fighting spirit of modern womanhood.它象征着现代妇女的战斗精神。
• The Christian ceremony of baptism is a symbolic act.基督教的洗礼仪式是一种象征性的做法。

7 miraculously   

ad.奇迹般地

参考例句：

• He had been miraculously saved from almost certain death. 他奇迹般地从死亡线上获救。
• A schoolboy miraculously survived a 25 000-volt electric shock. 一名男学生在遭受2.5 万伏的电击后奇迹般地活了下来。

8 compassion   

n.同情，怜悯

参考例句：

• He could not help having compassion for the poor creature.他情不自禁地怜悯起那个可怜的人来。
• Her heart was filled with compassion for the motherless children.她对于没有母亲的孩子们充满了怜悯心。

9 judgment   

n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见

参考例句：

• The chairman flatters himself on his judgment of people.主席自认为他审视人比别人高明。
• He's a man of excellent judgment.他眼力过人。

10 fatigue   

n.疲劳，劳累

参考例句：

• The old lady can't bear the fatigue of a long journey.这位老妇人不能忍受长途旅行的疲劳。
• I have got over my weakness and fatigue.我已从虚弱和疲劳中恢复过来了。

11 culmination   

n.顶点；最高潮

参考例句：

• The space race reached its culmination in the first moon walk.太空竞争以第一次在月球行走而达到顶峰。
• It may truly be regarded as the culmination of classical Greek geometry.这确实可以看成是古典希腊几何的登峰造级之作。

12 maturity   

n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期

参考例句：

• These plants ought to reach maturity after five years.这些植物五年后就该长成了。
• This is the period at which the body attains maturity.这是身体发育成熟的时期。

13 unleash   

vt.发泄，发出；解带子放开

参考例句：

• They hope to create allies to unleash against diseases,pests,and invasive species.他们希望创造出一些新群体来对付疾病、害虫和一些有侵害性的物种。
• Changing water levels now at times unleash a miasma of disease from exposed sewage.如今，大坝不时地改变水位，从暴露的污水释放出了疾病瘴气。

14 cathartic   

adj.宣泄情绪的；n.泻剂

参考例句：

• His laughter was cathartic,an animal yelp that brought tears to his eyes.他哈哈大笑以宣泄情绪，声音如野兽般尖厉，眼泪都笑出来了。
• The drug had a cathartic effect.这药有导泻的作用。

15 gratitude   

adj.感激，感谢

参考例句：

• I have expressed the depth of my gratitude to him.我向他表示了深切的谢意。
• She could not help her tears of gratitude rolling down her face.她感激的泪珠禁不住沿着面颊流了下来。

16 miserable   

adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的

参考例句：

• It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他，这是可耻的。
• Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。

17 everlasting   

adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的

参考例句：

• These tyres are advertised as being everlasting.广告上说轮胎持久耐用。
• He believes in everlasting life after death.他相信死后有不朽的生命。

18 lurking   

潜在

参考例句：

• Why are you lurking around outside my house? 你在我房子外面鬼鬼祟祟的，想干什么？
• There is a suspicious man lurking in the shadows. 有一可疑的人躲在阴暗中。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

19 hesitation   

n.犹豫，踌躇

参考例句：

• After a long hesitation, he told the truth at last.踌躇了半天，他终于直说了。
• There was a certain hesitation in her manner.她的态度有些犹豫不决。