TED演讲:性暴力的救赎之路(4)

I have vague memories of the next day: the after effects of drinking, a certain hollowness that I tried to stifle¹.

因为喝了酒，我对第二天的记忆很模糊，我试图扼制住一种空虚感。

Nothing more. But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.

没有更多。但是，我并没有出现在Thordis的家门口。

It is important to now state that I didn't see my deed for what it was.

现在，需要重点说明的是，当时我并未认识到我行为的实质。

The word "rape²" didn't echo around my mind as it should've,

“强奸”这两个字，并未如其应当的那样，在我脑海中不断浮现，

and I wasn't crucifying myself with memories of the night before.

我也并未因为昨晚发生的事情折磨自己。

It wasn't so much a conscious refusal, it was more like any acknowledgment of reality was forbidden.

那不太像是，一种有意识的拒绝，更像是对现实的认知，遇到了阻碍。

My definition of my actions completely refuted any recognition of the immense trauma³ I caused Thordis.

我对自身行为的定义，完全击败了我对给Thordis造成巨大伤害的认知。

To be honest, I repudiated⁴ the entire act in the days afterwards and when I was committing it.

诚实地说，无论是在事情发生后的那些天，还是当时，我否认自己的整个行为。

I disavowed the truth by convincing myself it was sex and not rape.

我说服自己，那是一场性爱而非强奸，并以此否认事实。

And this is a lie I've felt spine-bending guilt⁵ for.

这个谎言，让我承受了巨大的罪恶感。

I broke up with Thordis a couple of days later,

不久之后，我和Thordis分了手，

and then saw her a number of times during the remainder of my year in Iceland,

那年，在冰岛剩下的时间里，我时常见到她，

feeling a sharp stab of heavyheartedness each time.

每次我都感到异常沉重。

Deep down, I knew I'd done something immeasurably wrong.

内心深处，我知道我已经犯了无法估量的错误。

But without planning it, I sunk the memories deep, and then I tied a rock to them.

但是，我并未因此而做些什么，而是把记忆深深掩埋。

1 stifle   

vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止

参考例句：

• She tried hard to stifle her laughter.她强忍住笑。
• It was an uninteresting conversation and I had to stifle a yawn.那是一次枯燥无味的交谈，我不得不强忍住自己的呵欠。

2 rape   

n.抢夺，掠夺，强奸；vt.掠夺，抢夺，强奸

参考例句：

• The rape of the countryside had a profound ravage on them.对乡村的掠夺给他们造成严重创伤。
• He was brought to court and charged with rape.他被带到法庭并被指控犯有强奸罪。

3 trauma   

n.外伤，精神创伤

参考例句：

• Counselling is helping him work through this trauma.心理辅导正帮助他面对痛苦。
• The phobia may have its root in a childhood trauma.恐惧症可能源于童年时期的创伤。

4 repudiated   

v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务）

参考例句：

• All slanders and libels should be repudiated. 一切诬蔑不实之词，应予推倒。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》
• The Prime Minister has repudiated racist remarks made by a member of the Conservative Party. 首相已经驳斥了一个保守党成员的种族主义言论。 来自辞典例句

5 guilt   

n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责

参考例句：

• She tried to cover up her guilt by lying.她企图用谎言掩饰自己的罪行。
• Don't lay a guilt trip on your child about schoolwork.别因为功课责备孩子而使他觉得很内疚。