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81.

Other than the occasional shopping, I stopped going out in 2015.

Stopped entirely¹.

No more occasional dinners with mates. No more house parties. No clubs. No nothing.

Every night I’d go straight home from work, eat over the sink, then catch up on paperwork,Friends on low in the background.

Pa’s chef would sometimes stock my freezer with chicken pies, cottage pies. I was grateful notto have to venture to the supermarket quite as much…though the pies sometimes put me in mindof the Gurkhas and their goat stew², mainly because they were so unspicy. I missed the Gurkhas,missed the Army. I missed the war.

After dinner I’d smoke a joint³, trying to make sure the smoke didn’t waft⁴ into the garden of myneighbor, The Duke of Kent.

Then I’d turn in early.

Solitary⁵ life. Strange life. I felt lonely, but lonely was better than panicky. I was just beginningto discover a few healthy remedies to my panic, but until I felt surer of them, until I felt on moresolid ground, I was leaning on this one decidedly unhealthy remedy.

Avoidance.

I was an agoraphobe.

Which was nearly impossible given my public role.

After one speech, which couldn’t be avoided or canceled, and during which I’d nearly fainted,Willy came up to me backstage. Laughing.

Harold! Look at you! You’re drenched⁶.

I couldn’t fathom⁷ his reaction. Him of all people. He’d been present for my very first panicattack. With Kate. We were driving out to a polo match in Gloucestershire, in their Range Rover. Iwas in the back and Willy peered at me in the rearview. He saw me sweating, red-faced. You allright, Harold? No, I wasn’t. It was a trip of several hours and every few miles I wanted to ask himto pull over so I could jump out and try to catch my breath.

He knew something was up, something bad. He’d told me that day or soon after that I neededhelp. And now he was teasing me? I couldn’t imagine how he could be so insensitive.

But I was at fault too. Both of us should’ve known better, should’ve recognized my crumblingemotional and mental states for what they were, because we’d just started to discuss the launchingof a public campaign to raise awareness⁸ around mental health.

 

1 entirely   

ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地

参考例句：

• The fire was entirely caused by their neglect of duty. 那场火灾完全是由于他们失职而引起的。
• His life was entirely given up to the educational work. 他的一生统统献给了教育工作。

2 stew   

n.炖汤，焖，烦恼；v.炖汤，焖，忧虑

参考例句：

• The stew must be boiled up before serving.炖肉必须煮熟才能上桌。
• There's no need to get in a stew.没有必要烦恼。

3 joint   

adj.联合的，共同的；n.关节，接合处；v.连接，贴合

参考例句：

• I had a bad fall,which put my shoulder out of joint.我重重地摔了一跤，肩膀脫臼了。
• We wrote a letter in joint names.我们联名写了封信。

4 waft   

v.飘浮，飘荡；n.一股；一阵微风；飘荡

参考例句：

• The bubble maker is like a sword that you waft in the air.吹出泡泡的东西就像你在空中挥舞的一把剑。
• When she just about fall over,a waft of fragrance makes her stop.在她差点跌倒时，一股幽香让她停下脚步。

5 solitary   

adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士

参考例句：

• I am rather fond of a solitary stroll in the country.我颇喜欢在乡间独自徜徉。
• The castle rises in solitary splendour on the fringe of the desert.这座城堡巍然耸立在沙漠的边际，显得十分壮美。

6 drenched   

adj.湿透的；充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体）

参考例句：

• We were caught in the storm and got drenched to the skin. 我们遇上了暴雨，淋得浑身透湿。
• The rain drenched us. 雨把我们淋得湿透。 来自《简明英汉词典》

7 fathom   

v.领悟，彻底了解

参考例句：

• I really couldn't fathom what he was talking about.我真搞不懂他在说些什么。
• What these people hoped to achieve is hard to fathom.这些人希望实现些什么目标难以揣测。

8 awareness   

n.意识，觉悟，懂事，明智

参考例句：

• There is a general awareness that smoking is harmful.人们普遍认识到吸烟有害健康。
• Environmental awareness has increased over the years.这些年来人们的环境意识增强了。