伍迪单口相声精选 第5期:机械物体Mechanical Objects

 　　Someone asked me if I would tell this story. A long time ago...It's a wierd story.

　　有人问我会不会说下面这个故事。那是很久以前的事了，一个很诡异的故事。

　　It was out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with a very big Hollywood producer, and at that time he wanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musical comedy out of the Dewey Decimal System.

　　这事发生在洛杉矶，我要去和好莱坞的一个大制片人会面。当时，他想用“杜威十进制系统”【1】精心制作一部立体声宽银幕的喜剧歌舞片。

　　And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown Los Angeles, and I walk into his elevator, and thereare no people in the elevator, no buttons on the wall or anything.

　　他们想让我来参与制作。我来到位于洛杉矶城中心的制片人大楼，我走进电梯，电梯里没一个人，壁面上也没有任何按钮之类的东西。

　　And I hear a voice say, "Kindly¹ call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone.

　　我听到有个声音说：“请说出你要去几层。”我环顾四周，只有我一个人。

　　And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principle and it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there.

　　我一下惊慌起来。我在墙上读到个说明，这是一种新式电梯，按声控原理工作，完全交给声音来控制，我只要报出想去的楼层，它就会送我上去。

　　So I say, "Three, please", and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three.

　　于是我说：“请到三楼。”电梯门合上了，开始上升来到三楼。

　　And on the way up I began to feel very self-conscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight New York accent, and the elevator spoke² quite well.

　　在这过程当中，我一下觉得很不好意思，因为我想我说话的口音带着点纽约腔，而电梯的发音却相当纯正。

　　I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard the elevator make a remark.

　　我走出电梯来到过道上，我回头看了一眼，我想我听到它在发表评论。

　　I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, you know, and I...didn't wanna get involved at the time with an elevator in Hollywood.

　　我马上转过身。电梯关上了门，往楼下开去，你知道，我可不想在那样的场合和好莱坞的一部电梯产生纷争。

　　But - this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part - I have never in my life had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort. Anything that I can't reason with or kiss or fondle, Iget into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise for some reason.

　　但这是那次之行的奇怪部分，剩下的事情还都正常。我这辈子和任何种类的机械物体都处不好关系。任何东西只要是我没法与其讲道理的、不能让我亲吻或爱抚的，我都会遇到麻烦。我有一个时钟不知什么缘故是逆时针走的。

　　My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it.

　　我的烤面包机会把我的面包片弹出来，一边抖一边烧。

　　I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water.

　　我恨死我的淋浴器了，我正在冲澡，有个美国人也在用水。

　　That's it for me, you know, I leap from the tub scolded.

　　我一下就受不了了，你知道，我从浴缸里一跃而出，全身多处烫伤。

　　I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes "I know, I know."

　　我还有台录音机，花了我150美元买的，当我对着它说完话后，放出来的声音却是：“我知道了，我知道了。”

　　About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore.

　　大概三年前左右，我终于再也忍受不下去了。

　　I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions.

　　有天晚上在家里，我召集我所有的物品开了个会。

　　I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender.

　　我把我拥有的每一件东西都搬到了客厅，我的烤面包机、我的时钟、我的搅拌机。

　　They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke.

　　它们以前从没进过客厅。我向它们发表讲话。我以一个笑话开场。

　　And then I said,"I know what's going on, and cut it out!"

　　然后我说到：“我知道你们是怎么回事，别再瞎胡闹了！”

　　I have a sun lamp, but as I sit under it, it rains on me.

　　我有一盏太阳灯【2】，当我坐在它下面时，它会用雨水淋我。

　　And I spoke to each appliance, I was really articulate.

　　然后我找每一件器具谈话，我非常善于表达。

　　Then I put them back, and I felt good.

　　完事后我又将它们归于原位，我感觉好多了。

　　Two nights later I'm watching my portable television set, and the set begins to jump up and down, and I go up to it. And I always talk before I hit.

　　两天后的一个夜晚，我正看着我那台便携式电视机，它却开始上下跳动起来，我朝它走了过去。我动手之前总是先动口。

　　And I said, "I thought we had discussed this, what's the problem?"

　　我说：“我想我们之间已经好好谈过了，这又是怎么回事？”

　　And the set kept going up and down, so I hit it, and it felt good hitting it, and I beat the hell out of it.

　　那台机子还在那儿上下跳动，于是我就揍了它。揍它的感觉爽极了，我狠狠的揍了它一顿。

　　I was really great, I tore off the antenna³, and I felt very virile⁴.

　　我真的很厉害，我一把扯掉它的天线，感觉自己特威猛。

　　And two days later I go to my dentist in New York. I had gone to my dentist, but I had a deep cavity, and he'd sent me to a chiropodist.

　　两天以后我要去纽约城里找我的牙医，之前我去看过牙医，因为我的牙齿蛀了个大洞，可他却让我去看手足病医生。

　　I'm going into a building in mid-town New York, and they have those elevators, and I hear a voice say,"Kindly call out your floors, please."And I say, "Sixteen." And the doors close and the elevator starts going up to sixteen.

　　我走进位于纽约城中心的一幢大楼，那里面装有电梯，我听见一个声音说：“请说出你要去几层。”我说：“十六层。”门关上了，电梯开始向上面的十六层开去。

　　And on the way up the elevator says to me "Are you the guy that hit the television set?"

　　在半途中电梯问我：“你是不是打电视机的那个家伙？”

　　I felt like an ass⁵, you know, and it took me up and down fast between floors, and it threw me off in the basement. It yelled out something that was anti-semetic.

　　我立马傻了。电梯载着我在上下楼层之间快速颠簸，然后将我扔进了地下室。它还咆哮出一些反犹太主义言论。

　　The upshot of the story is, that day I called my parents, my father was fired.

　　故事的结局是那天我打电话给我父母，我父亲被解雇了。

　　He was technologically⁶ unemployed⁷. My father had worked for the same firm for twelve years.

　　由于技术上的原因他失业了。我父亲为这家公司干了12年。

　　They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget⁸, this big, that does everything my father does, only it does it much better.

　　他们解雇了他，代替他的只是一个小小的部件，就那么一点儿，它可以承担起我父亲做的所有事，而且做得更好。

　　The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

　　更加郁闷的是，我母亲也跑出去买了一个。

　　【1】杜威十进制图书分类系统由美国图书馆专家麦尔威·杜威于1876年发明，对世界图书馆分类学有相当大的影响。在这里打趣了降噪音的“杜比数字系统。

　　【2】模拟太阳紫外线，可以用来室内日光浴。

1 kindly   

adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地

参考例句：

• Her neighbours spoke of her as kindly and hospitable.她的邻居都说她和蔼可亲、热情好客。
• A shadow passed over the kindly face of the old woman.一道阴影掠过老太太慈祥的面孔。

2 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

3 antenna   

n.触角，触须；天线

参考例句：

• The workman fixed the antenna to the roof of the house.工人把天线固定在房顶上。
• In our village, there is an antenna on every roof for receiving TV signals.在我们村里，每家房顶上都有天线接收电视信号。

4 virile   

adj.男性的；有男性生殖力的；有男子气概的；强有力的

参考例句：

• She loved the virile young swimmer.她爱上了那个有男子气概的年轻游泳运动员。
• He wanted his sons to become strong,virile,and athletic like himself.他希望他的儿子们能长得像他一样强壮、阳刚而又健美。

5 ass   

n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人

参考例句：

• He is not an ass as they make him.他不象大家猜想的那样笨。
• An ass endures his burden but not more than his burden.驴能负重但不能超过它能力所负担的。

6 technologically   

ad.技术上地

参考例句：

• Shanghai is a technologically advanced city. 上海是中国的一个技术先进的城市。
• Many senior managers are technologically illiterate. 许多高级经理都对技术知之甚少。

7 unemployed   

adj.失业的，没有工作的；未动用的，闲置的

参考例句：

• There are now over four million unemployed workers in this country.这个国家现有四百万失业人员。
• The unemployed hunger for jobs.失业者渴望得到工作。

8 gadget   

n.小巧的机械，精巧的装置，小玩意儿

参考例句：

• This gadget isn't much good.这小机械没什么用处。
• She has invented a nifty little gadget for undoing stubborn nuts and bolts.她发明了一种灵巧的小工具用来松开紧固的螺母和螺栓。