Some Humors Between Teachers and Students

1) TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

2) TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

3) TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

4) SUBSTITUTE¹ TEACHER: Are you chewing gum²?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

5) TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.

6)TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

7)HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

8)TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

9)TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

10)GARY: I don't think I deserve³ a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

11)MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

12)SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

13)TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

14) TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

15) HYGIENE⁴ TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.

16) TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

17) TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense⁵," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

18) MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

19) TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.

20) TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for  another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.

21) TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

22) TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN⁶: Big hands!

23) BOY: Isn't the principal(校长） a dummy⁷!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY: No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness⁸!

24)TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

1 substitute   

n.代理，代理人，代用品，代替物；vt.代替；vi.替代，取代

参考例句：

• Can you substitute for the singer who is ill?你能替一下那位得了病的歌手吗？
• Yogurt is a perfectly acceptable substitute for cream in cooking.酸奶是烹饪用的特别受欢迎的奶油替代品。

2 gum   

n.牙龈；口香糖；树胶

参考例句：

• We can stick these pictures into the book with gum.我们可用胶水把这几张画粘贴在书里。
• Americans like to chew gum.美国人喜欢嚼口香糖。

3 deserve   

vt.应受，值得；vi. 应受报答，值得受赏

参考例句：

• You really deserve a good beating,you naughty boy.你这个调皮孩子真该打。
• I do not deserve all the praises bestowed upon me.我不配得到这些赞扬。

4 hygiene   

n.健康法，卫生学 （a.hygienic）

参考例句：

• Their course of study includes elementary hygiene and medical theory.他们的课程包括基础卫生学和医疗知识。
• He's going to give us a lecture on public hygiene.他要给我们作关于公共卫生方面的报告。

5 defense   

n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩

参考例句：

• The accused has the right to defense.被告人有权获得辩护。
• The war has impacted the area with military and defense workers.战争使那个地区挤满了军队和防御工程人员。

6 comedian   

n.喜剧演员；滑稽演员

参考例句：

• The comedian tickled the crowd with his jokes.喜剧演员的笑话把人们逗乐了。
• The comedian enjoyed great popularity during the 30's.那位喜剧演员在三十年代非常走红。

7 dummy   

n.假的东西；(哄婴儿的)橡皮奶头

参考例句：

• The police suspect that the device is not a real bomb but a dummy.警方怀疑那个装置不是真炸弹，只是一个假货。
• The boys played soldier with dummy swords made of wood.男孩们用木头做的假木剑玩打仗游戏。

8 goodness   

n.善良，善行，美德

参考例句：

• Would you have the goodness to turn off the radio?劳驾，请你把收音机关上好不好？
• Thank goodness,we've found a cure for the disease.好了，这病有救了！