英语笑话选(2)

                        English Jokes Selections  (2)

　                                            五
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke¹ up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave
you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an
entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned
it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.."
Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do
anything you want.   Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

                                               六
Subject:  The real "circle of life" - man's point of  view

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but
there was no passion.  So I decided² I needed a
passionate³ girl with a zest⁴ for life.  In college,
I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I
decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she
was boring.  She was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything.  Life became so dull
that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything.  She did mad, impetuous
things and flirted⁵ with everyone she met.  She made
me miserable⁶ as often as happy.  She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So
I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with
her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

                                               七
 BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

  SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
 
  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT:   Improper⁷ bladder control.
  ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
 
  SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:   Glass empty.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
 
  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent⁸ lights.
  FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.
 
  SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts⁹.
  FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
  ACTION:  See above.
 
  SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied¹⁰ to wrong part of face.
  ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
 
  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred¹¹.
  FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
 
  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT:   You are being carried out.
  ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
 
  SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT:   Bar has closed.
  ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.
 
  SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures¹².
  FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION:  Cover mouth.
 
  SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION:  Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
 
  SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:   It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION:  Punch him.
 
  SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT:   You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
 
  SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
  FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:  See if they have free beer.
 
  SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:   The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:  Have more beer until your voice improves.
 
  SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT:   Beer is just right.
  ACTION:  Play air guitar. 

1 spoke   

n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说

参考例句：

• They sourced the spoke nuts from our company.他们的轮辐螺帽是从我们公司获得的。
• The spokes of a wheel are the bars that connect the outer ring to the centre.辐条是轮子上连接外圈与中心的条棒。

2 decided   

adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的

参考例句：

• This gave them a decided advantage over their opponents.这使他们比对手具有明显的优势。
• There is a decided difference between British and Chinese way of greeting.英国人和中国人打招呼的方式有很明显的区别。

3 passionate   

adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的

参考例句：

• He is said to be the most passionate man.据说他是最有激情的人。
• He is very passionate about the project.他对那个项目非常热心。

4 zest   

n.乐趣；滋味，风味；兴趣

参考例句：

• He dived into his new job with great zest.他充满热情地投入了新的工作。
• He wrote his novel about his trip to Asia with zest.他兴趣浓厚的写了一本关于他亚洲之行的小说。

5 flirted   

v.调情，打情骂俏( flirt的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• She flirted her fan. 她急速挥动着扇子。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》
• During his four months in Egypt he flirted with religious emotions. 在埃及逗留的这四个月期间，他又玩弄起宗教情绪来了。 来自辞典例句

6 miserable   

adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的

参考例句：

• It was miserable of you to make fun of him.你取笑他，这是可耻的。
• Her past life was miserable.她过去的生活很苦。

7 improper   

adj.不适当的，不合适的，不正确的，不合礼仪的

参考例句：

• Short trousers are improper at a dance.舞会上穿短裤不成体统。
• Laughing and joking are improper at a funeral.葬礼时大笑和开玩笑是不合适的。

8 fluorescent   

adj.荧光的，发出荧光的

参考例句：

• They observed the deflections of the particles by allowing them to fall on a fluorescent screen.他们让粒子落在荧光屏上以观察他们的偏移。
• This fluorescent lighting certainly gives the food a peculiar color.这萤光灯当然增添了食物特别的色彩。

9 butts   

笑柄( butt的名词复数 )； （武器或工具的）粗大的一端； 屁股； 烟蒂

参考例句：

• The Nazis worked them over with gun butts. 纳粹分子用枪托毒打他们。
• The house butts to a cemetery. 这所房子和墓地相连。

10 applied   

adj.应用的；v.应用，适用

参考例句：

• She plans to take a course in applied linguistics.她打算学习应用语言学课程。
• This cream is best applied to the face at night.这种乳霜最好晚上擦脸用。

11 blurred   

v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离

参考例句：

• She suffered from dizziness and blurred vision. 她饱受头晕目眩之苦。
• Their lazy, blurred voices fell pleasantly on his ears. 他们那种慢吞吞、含糊不清的声音在他听起来却很悦耳。 来自《简明英汉词典》

12 textures   

n.手感( texture的名词复数 )；质感；口感；（音乐或文学的）谐和统一感

参考例句：

• I'm crazy about fabrics textures and colors and designs. 我喜欢各式各样的纺织物--对它的质地，色彩到花纹图案--简直是入了迷。 来自辞典例句
• Let me clear up the point about the textures. 让我明确了一点有关的纹理。 来自互联网